Fill the silence
by Sajeka
Summary: Fai and Kurogane. Top student and delinquent. Tutor and student. When these two get together, sparks will fly, and secrets will come to light. kurofai. AU some crossover caracters from other clamp work
1. and so it begins

This was it. The music beating in his ears, the audience screaming their lungs out. This was the reason he was still alive. Still breathing.

Behind him Syaoran entered a solo on his drums, while Sakura took a break from the bass, and he stilled his guitar, waiting for his cue to start singing again. All too soon the solo was over and he entered the next verse. Pouring his heart out to anyone listening. And all too soon it ended.

,,Good job guys, cheers!" Sakura exclaimed behind the scene. Syaoran and Fai both lifted their glasses and cheered with her, both still high from the just barely ended concert. It was a small one, only about a hundred people attending, but it was a start. Now the word would spread among their friends, and if it had went as well as they thought it did, there would hopefully be even more people attending the next. Though the club really didn't have space enough to too many people.

,,You too Sakura" Fai said in response, ,,you did really well out there."

,,Thanks!" she smiled, almost glowing. No one could smile like Sakura, so innocently happy and (maybe) a little naïve.

,,And good job on the solo Syaoran. You nailed it perfectly." He added with his own smile. Syaoran blushed a little; ,,ah thank you Fai-san, but I think you did really well to. Your singing really got them pumped."

,,Really? Thanks!" he replied getting himself another non-alcoholic drink, tomorrow was a school day after all. ,,now let's go have some fun in the club!"

They stayed in the club for about an hour longer, advertising for their band, before it got too late and they had to leave. It was when he waved goodbye to Syaoran and Sakura, that Fai began to feel his heart falling down in to his stomach. He was alone now, and he hated it.

A few minutes later Fai was in front of his apartment. He hesitated, he really didn't want to go inside, but where else should he go? He didn't like being alone in his apartment, but it was late already, and he hated sleeping together with others even more. He couldn't let them see.

With a sigh he found his keys and opened the door. The dark apartment greeted him, and he stepped inside.

Fai closed the door and went to the bathroom, being onstage made him sweat and he didn't really favor the idea of sleeping like that, so he stepped out of his clothes and into the shower. Normally he would have put some music on before anything else but it _was _late, and his apartment's wall's was thin. He turned the water on to almost scolding, and stayed there until his skin was bright pink from the heat and he couldn't ignore the pain from it anymore.

The mirror was clouded, but that was the way he liked it. He didn't like seeing his reflection; it reminded him of too much.

Everything was quiet around him now, almost deafening. Despite the heat in the bathroom he started to shake. Quiet, too quiet. He was alone. He couldn't take it, couldn't bear the thoughts that came when there was no noise to distract them. With a shaking hand he opened a drawer and took out a knife.

Fai held his arm up and pressed the edge against the soft skin. He closed his eyes, both to better feel the cut, and to not see the blood too much. It helped. The thoughts went away, leaving only emptiness behind, and emptiness he could handle.

He cleaned up and bandaged the cut, before exiting the bathroom in a robe. Fai avoided looking at the clock, not wanting to know what time it was, or how long he was gonna have to sleep.

Sleep wasn't a pleasant state of unconsciousness for him, it was more like a prison keeping him captive until his alarm set him free in the morning. He had tried going without sleep at all for a while, but that just ended up backfiring, resulting in one very long sleep, and very intense nightmares to follow. So now he tried sleeping as little as possible every night, keeping his energy up and his nightmares at a minimum.

He changed into his night clothes, boxers and a too big t-shirt, set the alarm without looking, cut the light and lay down in his bed.

He closed his eyes and let the nightmares take over.

Fai awoke with a sharp intake of breath. His whole body was stiff and cold as ice from fear, and his alarms scratty music played beside his bed. He stared up at the dark ceiling, and took a deep breath. He didn't turn off the alarm, instead focusing on the noise it made, to clear his head from the remnants of the nightmare.

He got up from the bed slowly, while the icy feeling in his body subsided. His muscles ached from tensing all night long, so he stretched carefully hoping his churning stomach would still.

Before turning off his alarm, Fai turned his radio on and let the clear music fill his mind. He went to the bathroom to clean up before getting dressed, keeping the music loud enough so he could still hear it. He hated silence.

He sang along while washing the nights sweat from his body, still avoiding the mirror. He wasn't quite sure himself why he didn't just remove it, but maybe because of what it reflected it was too difficult for him to throw it away. That reflection didn't just belong to him.

As he ate his breakfast Fai started to feel new lyrics popping up in his head. He cut the music, found a sheet of paper and started writing them down. Only when he was writing a new song could he keep his thoughts at bay without the aid of extern noise.

The next time he looked up he noticed he was running late. Quickly he stuffed the papers down his bag, grabbed his coat and shoes, and exited his apartment. He got his shoes on awkwardly, trying to run down the stairs at the same time, and threw on his coat while entering his car. It was an old car, but it had been cheap, and had yet to fail him even in the worst of weathers.

He made it to school in the nick of time, and was only just seated when the teacher entered the classroom. Sakura looked at him, _you're late _she mouthed. Fai just shrugged and smiled at her holding up the lyrics so she could see what he had been working on. Her mouth formed a little o and she nodded, understanding.

Homeroom passed in a blur, and so did the first half of the day. At lunch he sat with his closest friends; Sakura, Syaoran, Watanuki and Doumeki, chatting animatedly, when he was disturbed by the sound of the principals voice through the speakers; ,,Fai Flowright, please report to the principal's office". Fai looked up surprised.

,,what now?" Sakura asked, ,,have you done something Fai-san?"

Fai shook his head and smiled reassuringly at her, ,,no its probably nothing serious. I'll just go see what principal Yuuko wants. Be back in a few." And with that he got up and left the cafeteria.

Along the way he wondered why Yuuko had called for him. He really hadn't done anything and his grades were fine. Actually his grades were the best in his class, so there should be no problems at all. _Well no need to worry about It _he thought _I'll find out in a minute anyway._

He stopped in front of the door to the office and raised his hand to knock, when the familiar voice of the principal came from the other side, ,,come in"

Fai lowered his hand and smiled to himself; Yuuko always knew when he was there. He opened the door and stepped inside.

Yuuko was sitting behind her desk as expected, but she was not alone. On the other side of the desk directly opposite her sat a boy. Or rather young man might be a better wording since he seemed to be at Fai's age.

The young man turned around when Fai entered, and his red eyes almost seemed to pierce his soul. For a long moment he felt captivated by those strong eyes, until Yuuko cleared her throat to get his attention.

,,Take a seat Fai" she offered gesturing to the other chair in front of her desk. He sat keeping his eyes on her, but looking out of the corner of his eyes to the other male in the room. He wore quite a frown, he noticed.

,,Fai I take it that you're curious as for why I have called you here" Yuuko started out, and Fai nodded returning his attention to her. ,,Well the thing is, Kurogane here is very close to failing some of his classes, and since you're our top student I figured you would be just the person to tutor him."

Fai tilted his head; tutor? He looked over at the frowning man next to him, and decided a little teasing wouldn't hurt. After all if he was to teach him, Kurogane was it?, they would need a bit of a lighter mood than the male showed now.

,,Well I don't see why not." he answered with his most brilliant smile, ,,I'm sure Kuropii and I will get along great!". Kurogane sputtered.

,,What the HELL did you just call me?" he roared. Fai didn't even flinch, enjoying his reaction maybe just a bit too much.

,,Well Kurochi, your name is simply just too long and uncute. Therefore I am forced to shorten it and make a few alterations so you don't come off that scary. See with a name like Kuropon, it evens out that scary frown you're wearing" he said with the patience of an adult telling a little child the most basic things.

Kurogane fumed. He could practically see him trying to stay seated. Now this was simply just to fun. Fai had confidence in his speed and agility, so even someone as imposing as Kurogane didn't really scare him.

Yuuko smiled at her top students antiques', knowing Fai was the right person to leave in charge of Kurogane. He was probably the only person, teachers and students alike, aside from her that wasn't intimidated by the short-tempered male, and the absolute only one in school whose personality outmatched his.

,,Well then that's settled then!" she said clapping her hands and wearing a smile to rival even some of Fai's best. ,,you two meet up after school in the library and study together, and I can go back to my liquor now" with that she ushered them out off the office and told them to get to class.

,,So Kurorin," Fai started, ,,we'll meet at the library after school then?"

,,Tch, Whatever" he answered ,,and my name's Kurogane! Get it right!"

Fai just smiled at him and ignored the comment, ,,see you later then Kuropon." He sang and slipped out of the office before the other could respond.

Humming slightly to himself he made his way to his next classroom, giving up on the rest of his lunch. He trusted Sakura to bring his leftover sandwich to their shared math class, when he didn't show up in the cafeteria.

He got seated in the classroom, and checked the clock; five minutes left. He then took out the papers with the lyrics he had started on this morning, and continued where he had let off.

Five minutes later a sandwich was dumped on his table. Fai looked up and caught Sakura's smiling eyes. ,,You forgot something." She said gently.

Fai smiled back at her and thanked her.

,,So, what did principal Yuuko want?" she asked taking the seat next to him as per usual.

,,Nothing much. She wants me to tutor someone. Were meeting in the library after school." He answered.

Sakura looked surprised. ,,She wants you to tutor someone? Who?"

,,Someone named Kurogane." Sakura's eyes widened.

,,Fai-san, Kurogane is a infamous delinquent. He is extremely short tempered and violent, I think it would be wiser to steer clear of him." She warned.

Fai chuckled a bit, ,,Sakura I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself. Believe me Kuropon will be no trouble at all."

Sakura didn't look convinced. She opened her mouth to say something more, but she only had time to say; ,,Kuropon…?" before the teacher that none of them had noticed enter, called the class to attention. She shot him a worried look conveying her concerns, and Fai smiled back at her, trying to tell her that it would be fine.

All through the hour she kept sending him glances full of her worry.

After school Fai made his way over to the school library. Both Sakura and Syaoran had tried to get him to change his mind about tutoring Kurogane, but he had stood his ground. He already promised Yuuko he would do it, and he wouldn't back down on his word.

At last they had given up and just settled for reminding him about their concert this evening, and telling him not to be late.

Besides there was something about Kurogane that intrigued him. His fierce red eyes still lingered in his mind, and the way he had reacted to the nicknames had been delightful. He almost couldn't wait to tease him again in the library where he had to keep quiet. No doubt that would be the icing on the cake.

Snickering to himself, Fai entered the library and immediately spotted his new student. Kurogane sat at a window facing out toward the parking lot. Let the fun begin.

,,YOU LITTLE…" Kurogane started, raising his voice way too much for the library.

,,Now now Kurorin, this is a library you know. You're supposed to keep quiet in here. Settle down now so we can get some work done." Fai chided with mock stern in his voice. Inwardly he was having a blast. Kurogane reacted explosively to his teasing, even more than Fai had hoped he would.

With visible difficulty he got himself seated again his fists clenched so tightly they turned white. Fai decided to give him a little break from the teasing so as to not give the poor boy a stroke.

,,Well really Kuro-chan, it seems practically all your grades could use some help, but let's start with history, what is it giving you trouble with this one? Is it simply that you can't remember the events or is it the years you have difficulty with?" he asked getting down to why they were here in the first place. For the first time in the twenty minutes since he arrived.

Kurogane relaxed a little, seeing as Fai no longer teased him, but actually started tutoring him as he should. ,,It's the numbers I can't remember. The events are easy enough to hold on to, but the years just won't stick."

Fai thought about the best way to approach this matter. His eyes fell on Kurogane's toned arms, visible through his shirt, and they lingered there for a bit. An idea started to make itself known in his head.

,,Kuro-sama you're training right?" Kurogane snorted affirmatively, ,,well what kind of training?" he pressed a bit.

The other hesitated a little, wondering what this had to do with his history grade, and a bit suspicious that it was another one of Fai's teasing, he wouldn't put it passed the blond. However Fai looked completely serious, with a contemplating look on his face. He sighed, giving in.

,,Kendo."

Fai nodded distantly and took his decision. ,,Then have an idea. I'm guessing you have a lot of different training routines?" a nod. ,,And I take it you can remember them all at heart?" another nod. Kurogane was getting a bit confused by all these questions that had nothing to do with his grades. ,,okay then, we'll take your routines, change them a bit to fit our purpose and then give them some names, and that should be that. Problem solved."

,,How the HECK does that solve the problem?" Kurogane asked a little irritated and now convinced Fai was either still teasing him, or just a nutjob. Possible both.

,,Well Kurorin, we give each routine two exercises. Those exercises have a certain number of times you do them, or a certain amount of minutes to repeat them. Those times/minutes are a number in a year you have to remember. Like 1652, could be 16 minutes of meditation and 52 repeat of a sword swing or something. And we name the routine whatever it is in that year you have to remember."

Kurogane stared. Fai was definitely a nutjob. However it did make sense what he said, it was just… unconvential.

As it turned out all of Fai's teaching methods were unconvential, but they did seem to work. Time passed them in a blur and Kurogane didn't even notice it was beginning to grow dark outside until Fai's phone suddenly disturbed them.

Fai took his phone out of his pocket and looked at the display. Sakura. The concert. Tonight! ,,Shit!" he whispered. Kurogane looked up startled by the cussing from Fai. He didn't even know the blonde knew that word.

,,Sorry Kuropon, have to run now I'm late see you tomorrow." He said as he got his jacket and book bag and ran for the doors.

,,Sure…" Kurogane said to the now empty seat across from him. He looked out of the window and saw Fai already at the parking lot entering his car with his phone pressed to his ear. Now the library seemed very quiet, and he decided to just go home. Not much sense studying without his tutor.

So he got his things and left the library, maybe looking forward a bit to tomorrow.


	2. open wounds

,,I know Sakura, I'm sorry I didn't call, but the time just… flew away." Fai explained over the phone as he got into his car. He was very late, there were only fifteen minutes till their concert started, and Sakura had been seriously worried that something had happened with Kurogane. Like Fai's teasing pushing him over the edge and him had actually killing the blonde.

,,Its fine Fai-san, I'm just glad you're okay." She sighed.

,,Really Sakura you worry too much. Didn't I tell just a couple of hours ago that I can take care of myself?"

,,Yes, yes you did, but I still worry. You're my friend Fai-san, I'll always worry about you."

For a minute Fai didn't know what to say. That was possibly the sweetest, most unselfish thing anyone had ever said to him. There were many things he would have liked to tell Sakura right now, but he didn't know how to say what was in his heart. And so he settled with: ,,Thank you."

It was simple, but his voice carried all of his feelings across, everything he could never make himself say. On the other end of the line Sakura smiled, hoping she had made Fai realize, that even if he didn't care about himself, there were others who cared about him. She frowned a bit; sometimes it seemed that music was the only thing keeping him together and that almost worried her more than Kurogane did.

,,Well Sakura-chan I'm gonna hang up now so I don't crash, see you in a minute." Fai sang, cheerful again, before hanging up to focus on the road. He wasn't really completely comfortable with showing too much of his true feelings to others.

He made it to the club with mere minutes to spare, and rushed to tune his guitar and change his clothes. He didn't need to warm up his voice; the hours of tutoring Kurogane had done the job, which was good course he didn't have the time.

As he stepped out onto the scene, his heart started pumping in his chest. He loved this feeling, this warm exciting feeling. He could feel butterfly's flapping their wings in his stomach, but ignored them. This was what was important. He couldn't believe he had actually almost forgotten about this when he was with Kurogane.

His stomach did a little flip at the thought off Kurogane, but he brushed it off as the nervousness and not as a response to the sudden image of a certain red eyed male, that had just popped up in his mind. Discarding his thoughts, Fai went up to the microphone in the middle off the stage, and went about getting the attention of the people in the club, as well as introducing his band.

,,Good evening everyone." He said cheerfully, getting an immediate response, ,,My name is Fai, and tonight my band and I will deliver the musical entertainment. On the drums we have the talented Syaoran, on the bass the charming Sakura, but you'll have to settle for little me, as the guitarist and singer. Hope you'll enjoy." He ended the little speech with a wink and heard whistling from the audience.

Then Syaoran started their first song, and he was once again sucked into the world of music.

,,Why does it feel like night today?  
Something in here's not right today.  
Why am I so uptight today?  
Paranoia's all I got left  
I don't know what stressed me first  
Or how the pressure was fed  
But I know just what it feels like  
To have a voice in the back of my head  
It's like a face that I hold inside  
A face that awakes when I close my eyes  
A face watches every time I lie  
A face that laughs every time I fall  
(And watches everything)  
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim  
That the face inside is hearing me  
Right underneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back  
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head  
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within  
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin…"

…

Fai looked up. It was over, already. Their concert always ended too soon, even though they had played for almost an hour straight. He felt a little empty inside, knowing he wouldn't have to stand on the scene anymore that night, and looked out, for the first time in the last hour really seeing the audience. Then he frowned a little; wasn't there…? His face lit up in a smile. Yes there were definitely more people in the club now, all of them clapping and whistling at the just ended performance.

Fai practically beamed at them. ,,Thank you everyone! That was it for tonight, however we will be playing here again in two days time, so you are more than welcome to come back." And then with a little bow he added: ,,We will be waiting."

With that they left the scene, accompanied by the whistling that had intensified after Fai's last comment.

He barely waited till they were off stage again, before grabbing both Sakura and Syaoran in a tight hug. ,,Good job you two." He exclaimed, ,,Did you notice? There were more people today!"

Sakura laughed ,,Yes, isn't it wonderful Syaoran-kun?"

Syaoran blushed faintly and smiled back, ,,yes it is, very much."

Fai grinned at them. They were so cute, so obviously in love yet neither of them ever noticed the others feelings. They would make such an adorable couple, once they got around to confessing.

,,By the way, I'm working on a new song and I would like it if we could play it when we perform again this Friday. Are you up for it?" Fai asked, releasing them from his hold.

,,A new song in two days?" Syaoran asked looking a bit doubtful. ,,Don't you think it might be too short a time to practice?"

,,Nonsense Syaoran-kun, both you and Sakura-chan are naturals. I'm sure you'll do just fine. I'll give you the notes tomorrow."

,,Is it the song you worked on today Fai-san?" Sakura wondered. Fai just smiled and nodded. ,,Wow you're already done with them? That was fast."

,,Well no, actually they are not completely done yet, but don't worry I'll have them finished by tomorrow!" Fai said confidently.

Syaoran shook his head, a little smile playing on his lips; that was Fai in a nutshell. He just hoped he could live up to his expectations.

The rest of the evening went by fast, but for some reason Fai found himself often contemplating tomorrow. He realized with a little start, that he was actually looking forward to meeting Kurogane again. He felt a knot forming in his stomach at that thought; he didn't really like getting to close to people.

He even tried keeping Sakura and Syaoran (and Watanuki and Doumeki for that matter) away as much as possible, though that rarely worked. Sakura had been the first one to get under his skin, to get close even through all the barriers he had built. After her came Syaoran and he brought Watanuki and Doumeki along, all of them managing to get close, and all of them brushing off his attempts at distancing.

And now Kurogane too worked his way around his shields, whether he himself was aware of it or not.

At last it got too late to stay at the club anymore, and the three friends headed home. Fai's thoughts were so preoccupied by Kurogane, that he almost didn't notice when they got to his car, and he had to part ways with Sakura and Syaoran. He managed to get enough of a hold on himself to say his goodbyes, but by the time he could no longer see them, his thoughts had returned to Kurogane again

It just wasn't normal for him to think so much about a person he only just met today. It worried him greatly so he tried to push the thoughts away, to think about something else.

His mind ended up on the topic of the new song, and he started to silently hum the melody. It would be nice if he could get a keyboard accompaniment too, but he didn't know anyone other than Sakura that could play, and frankly they needed the bass more than the keyboard.

Fai sighed to himself as he pulled up outside of his apartment. He would work on the song for a while before heading to bed, and hopefully he wouldn't have to sleep too much tonight. They didn't have any concerts tomorrow, so he didn't need to be as well rested as normal.

As Fai entered his apartment, he immediately went to work on the song, writing down the notes he had in his head, even writing notes for a keyboard, in the off chance they would need it someday.

Time ticked away and his eyes started to drop a bit. It had been a very eventful day, whit everything that happened, and he found himself almost too tired to focus on the papers in front of him; but he still didn't want to go to sleep yet. It was only when he found himself writing _bath_ instead of _bass _that he decided to postpone the rest till the morning.

He redressed into his night clothes and brushed his teeth, before cutting the light, setting the alarm and crawling under the covers, assuming his customary position in the bed face down. Within minutes he was asleep.

Fai awoke with a start, and scrambled out of bed. He quickly made his way to the bathroom where he proceeded to empty his stomach down the toilet. Tonight's nightmare had been especially bad, and his stomach churned at the mere memory. Flashes of blood appeared in his mind and he retched again, but his stomach was empty now.

With a bit of difficulty he raised himself to a standing position, and flushed the toilet before making his way to the sink. There he made a very big mistake.

He looked in the mirror.

Memories he would rather not remember passed through his head one after the other. In the silence of the bathroom he could almost hear the screams, and suddenly the mirror didn't reflect a scared tired teenager, but a young boy covered in blood smiling like nothing was wrong, blue eyes half crazed and a pale hand extended.

Fai closed his eyes and searched desperately for his knife. He couldn't deal with these memories, not now. His hands closed around the hilt, and he raised the knife, quickly cutting into his arm without taking notice of how deep it went.

The pain helped a bit, but it was not enough. He could still hear those voices scream, could still smell smoke, and feel warm liquid all over his body. He cut again, and the screams diminished. He cut again and the world quieted down.

He slowly opened his eyes, looking away from both the mirror and his own arm. He couldn't stand the sight of blood on a normal basis and much less now.

He suddenly noticed that he was shaking; bad. He was dizzy too and his legs could barely support his weight. _Oh no._ He thought. He knew this feeling; he had lost too much blood. Those cuts must have been deeper than he had thought.

He turned the water on and rinsed his arm while looking away, and when he felt it would be safe, he turned his head and inspected the cuts. _Shit. _They were very deep, much deeper than he had ever cut before. He was quite certain they would need stings, but he wasn't about to go to the hospital. He hated hospitals they were too white too clean. There was a reason none off the walls in his apartment was white. Even the ceiling was kept in another color. White walls brought back some very unpleasant memories.

Fai knew he had to do something soon, those cuts still bled and his legs threatened to give in. he decided to just wrap them tightly in bandages and hope that would stop the bleeding, but it turned out to be just a tad difficult to wrap them with only one hand, especially seeing as they quickly bled through the fabric. In the end he succeded, but had in turn made a mess of his bathroom.

He felt queasy about the sight it presented him with, and couldn't get himself to clean it now. He felt tired sick, dizzy and weak, and would like to just curl up and cry. Instead he decided to finish the notes to the new song. There was no way he was going back to sleep now; what happened in the bathroom was bad enough, he wouldn't be able to handle another nightmare right now.

He looked at the alarm and noticed that there was almost an hour till he was supposed to wake up. Then he couldn't have slept for more than a couple of hours at most. No wonder he was dead-tired.

School would be hell today.

His arm hurt, his head hurt, he was so tired he could hardly focus his eyes, and he couldn't walk straight because he was too dizzy. Top it all off with nausea, and the cuts refusing to stop bleeding completely, and you had Fai's day.

He really didn't want to be at school right now, but it was better than staying in that apartment all day. Besides he didn't really know where he would rather be. Not at home, definitely not sleeping and definitely not alone.

Even though it was a hassle having to smile and pretend in front of his friends.

Finally it couldn't wait anymore; he had to change the bandages. The blood was slowly starting to bleed through the fabric, but he couldn't change them himself, he would just end up tearing the cuts open again.

Nothing to it, he had to ask Doumeki for help.

Doumeki was the only one of his friends that knew about him cutting, and he had promised not to tell the others as long as Fai promised to come for him if he needed help. He knew he was worrying the other even though he didn't show it, and normally he wouldn't have asked for help. But this was a special case, and couldn't do it alone. He just hoped Doumeki wouldn't be worried enough to tell the others.

,,Doumeki can I speak with you alone for a moment?" Fai asked, trying to sound cheerful as always.

Doumeki just nodded and got up from his seat where he was eating lunch. If he noticed the fake in Fai's voice he didn't show it.

,,Thanks, sorry to borrow him Watanuki, I'll return him in a bit." He said ignoring the sputtering of said person as he almost choked on his juice.

He led Doumeki out into the hallways and stopped when they reached an empty room. Once inside he explained his problem.

Doumeki looked at the bandaged arm where the blood was starting to show, and Fai thought he might actually look a little pale. Once he was finished with looking he sighed and covered the arm again, then took hold of his other arm to drag him out of the room.

,,Wha…?" Fai started, but Doumeki interrupted.

,,I'm taking you to the infirmary. I'll have to clean it too."

Fai nodded and settled for just following the other down the hall. At one turn he thought he saw a pair of red eyes, but Doumeki dragged him on too fast for him to be sure. His thoughts lingered behind, and an image of a certain black haired male popped up in his mind, but before he had time to contemplate this they arrived.

Luckily the nurse was out for lunch, which wasn't really a surprise seeing as it was lunch hour, but it spared them having to come up with an excuse.

Doumeki made him sit on the bed, and proceeded to find the things he needed to clean and rewrap the cuts. Then he started to reveal the cuts carefully, as to not irritate the wounds. The more he unwrapped the more blood started to show, and Fai could see Doumeki's jaw clench when he realized just how deep the knife had gone this time.

When he could actually see the cuts, he sat for a moment, just staring at them before silently start cleaning them.

Fai hissed a bit at the stinging sensation, but didn't move and Doumeki finished quickly, wrapping new clean gauze around the arm.

,,Thanks." Fai mumbled as the other started to put the things he had used back were they belonged. They were both silent for a while, before the stoic man turned around and looked at him gravely.

,,This is serious Fai." He said, ,,I won't tell the others if you don't want me to, but this…" he gestured at the bloodied gauze in the trashcan ,,this could have killed you."

It was the first time Fai had heard such strong emotions in Doumeki's voice when he wasn't talking to Watanuki, and he was a little startled.

,,I know I'll be more careful next time." He answered though he knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Doumeki's eyes narrowed a bit, but he also knew that he couldn't get Fai to stop. None of his friends could. It took a special kind of strength to stop cutting, and none of the people he knew could present him with such a strength.

He could only hope it really had been an accident.

Fai got through the rest of the day half asleep. It was all he could do to write down the homework, and trying not to fall asleep in class. Somehow he succeeded in keeping awake, if not alert, and finally got to the time when would meet up with Kurogane.

As he walked outside, the light breeze helped clear his mind a little, and for the first time that day, he actually started to feel a little good. He was still dizzy, but his headache had disappeared after he had taken some painkillers, and his arm didn't really bother him much anymore.

All in all he was in a pretty good mood when he found his red eyed student. Kurogane was waiting for him in the library, by the same table they used yesterday. Fai smiled as he approached from behind.

,,Kuropon!" he exclaimed as he attacked the male. Kurogane yelped and swung his fist around missing Fai by a hair width as he ducked out of the way.

,,WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" He yelled, obviously not appreciating the way Fai laughed at him.

,,Sorry sorry Kurorin, couldn't resist" he choked out between laughs. Kurogane fumed and considered taking another swing at the guy, but decided against it. The blonde was his only chance of not failing and having to repeat a year. Instead he settled for glaring menacingly. With no effect what. so. ever.

Fai, having finally stopped laughing, smiled down at Kurogane to get him to stop glaring.

,,Well, gather your books now Kurowan we won't be studying in the library today." He said dragging the other out of his chair.

,,What?" Kurogane asked annoyed, ,,where then?"

,,In the dojo. We will work on further on your history grades today, seeing as there is a test coming up."

,,A test? How the hell do you even know that, were not in the same class."

,,silly Kuropin, I know because that's my job as your tutor. And also because Yuuko told me earlier today." Yuuko had caught up with him between classes, and told him to focus on history for now.

Kurogane cursed under his breath.

,,Don't worry Kuro-chan I'll make sure you're ready for the test." By then they had reached the dojo, situated nicely next to the library. Kurogane went to change his clothes while Fai got comfortable on the floor waiting. When he came out again, Kurogane took Fai to a smaller room, only for the captain and they began.

Fai would name an important event, and Kurogane would do the exercise it represented. It went well enough, but after about half an hour Fai made an almost life altering decision.

,,Kuroron, don't you think you ought to have penalty, for when you forget a part of the exercise?" Fai mused.

,,Hah?" Kurogane asked, pausing what he was doing. ,,A penalty?"

,,Exactly! I'll come up with something by tomorrow." Fai promised.

An ill sounding promise.

While Kurogane was in the middle of meditating, Fai felt his eyelids grow heavy. He was very _very_ tired, and the room was nice and warm. He leaned against the wall behind him, and closed his eyes just a second.

_He was in a white room. There was nothing in the room except a bed, and a closed of area with a toilet and shower. Everything in the room was white, and he was alone. Suddenly the door opened and a man entered the room, with a tray of food. He didn't say anything, just put the food down and left locking the door. He ate the food in silence. There wasn't much, just the bare minimum. After he ate he laid down on the bed again._

_The door opened again, but this time it wasn't a man that came in. it was a boy. The boy sneaked in sometimes to play, though they both knew things wouldn't go well if he was caught in there. But the boy was his only friend, the only one to actually speak with him. Then he heard footsteps draw near. Flames welled up out of nowhere, and blood was smeared on the walls and pooling on the floor. _

_Crazed blue met blue._

,,Oi idiot wake up!" Kurogane growled shaking the blonde awake. He had stopped meditating to find his tutor asleep against the wall, and got annoyed at him. But then he had noticed the sweat glistening on his skin, the sharp intakes of breath and the way his eyes moved rapidly under the lids.

A little worried he decided to wake him up.

Fai's eyes flew open and he lunged from the wall, effectively smashing his forehead into Kuroganes.

,,Ow!" he exclaimed and pressed a hand to the hurting spot. Then he looked up. ,,Kurowan? What…?" he looked around disoriented, not quite sure where he was. Then he remembered. He had fallen asleep. In the dojo. In front of Kurogane.

He looked up and met the red eyes, but instead of worry he found annoyance.

,,Damn idiot. You were having a nightmare so I woke you up, and this is the thanks I get?" He complained. Fai sighed relieved; it seemed Kurogane wasn't going to ask him anything. He knew that if it was Sakura that had seen him having a nightmare, she would be concerned and worried and ask questions and trying to make him feel better.

It was nice having someone act like it wasn't a big deal.

,,Hyuu, sorry Kuropon, hadn't seen you there." He said fake whistling. Kurogane stared incredulously.

,,What was THAT?" He asked

,,Hmm? What was what Kurowoof?"

,,That… that hyuu thing. And I'm not a dog damnit! AND MY NAMES KUROGANE." He ended up yelling.

,,Well kuropup…" Fai began completely ignoring the yelling part, ,,I can't whistle so I have to hyuu instead." He said it like it was obvious.

Kurogane's last thread of patience snapped, and he lunged forward toward the blonde. Fai dodged the attack, but had to step aside quickly as the male didn't give up so easily. For the rest of the time Kurogane chased Fai around the small training room. How he managed to dodge so well in such a small room, Kurogane couldn't fathom, but he never did catch him.

It was only when he arrived home that evening, and dreaded the time he would have to fall asleep again, that Fai noticed. Kurogane had managed to make him completely forget about the nightmare.

a/n that's it for now. Please rewiev

Song used: papercut by Linkin Park (we'll just pretend it's Fai that wrote it)


	3. a day to remember

**a/n i wanted to have this up yesterday, but this chapter gave me quite some trouble...**

**Disclaimer: guess I have to do this... no tsubasa doesnt belong to me... sadly**

When Fai woke up, for the first time in years, he felt fairly well rested. This nights nightmare wasn't so bad, and though he wouldn't say he had slept well, at least he wasn't about to throw up.

That was until he saw his bathroom of course.

Shock ran through him when he opened the door to take a bath, and for a moment he could only stare. Then he remembered what had happened the day before, and terror turned to nausea at the sight of the blood, smeared on the floor and walls. At least this time it wasn't the nightmares fault he threw up.

He knew he had to clean up the mess, but he really didn't like the idea. With a shaking hand he started wiping the blood away, and decided to skip breakfast. Maybe lunch too. He could hear his music in the background, and focused on that, trying to ignore what exactly it was he was wiping. It helped a little.

When he had finally finished cleaning the bathroom, he took a much needed shower, setting the water on an almost scalding temperature, he was careful not to get his bandaged arm wet.

He was in the shower so long; he was beginning to run late again.

On the way to school he realized he would have to cancel today's lesson with Kurogane; after all he had to rehearse with his band a bit before the concert tonight.

Well if he was going to skip lunch anyway, that might be the right time to find him.

* * *

When lunch came around, he excused himself from his friends, and started looking for the red eyed man. After asking around a bit he finally found him. Fighting behind the school instead of eating lunch. Well he was a delinquent.

Fai sighed and decided to just wait the fight out; Kurogane was winning anyway. He sat down on the ground and watched Kurogane knock the lights out of one of his attackers. It was really quite interesting to watch him win a match of one against five. After a couple of minutes he was the only one still standing, and Fai decided to make himself noticed.

,,Hyuu, good job Kurorin." He exclaimed with a big smile as he stood up; Kurogane tensed and whipped around, looking ready to attack, but relaxed when he saw who it was.

,,Oi, idiot what are you doing here? We weren't supposed to meet until after school." He said while sidestepping the bodies on the ground.

,,That's the reason I'm here." Fai answered, ,,I'm gonna have to cancel today. I have a concert with my band tonight and we have to practice beforehand."

Kurogane blinked. ,,A band?" he asked, sounding dumbfounded. Fai nodded wondering why that seemed so difficult to understand.

,,…Okay then I guess our next study session is Monday?"

,,Yes, unless you have time in the weekend you don't mind spending on it?"

Kurogane hesitated a bit, ,,Well I'm not doing anything Sunday… is that a good day for you?"

,,Yes Sundays fine with me as long as it's before 6." Fai answered with a grin.

,,How about noon then?" Kurogane suggested, and Fai accepted already looking forward to it.

,,But then, where should we do it? Schools locked up in the weekends." Kurogane voiced the problem.

,,Hmm? That´s not a problem, I'll just borrow the keys from Yuuko." Fai presented the solution with a grin, like borrowing the school keys was a normal thing.

Kurogane looked a bit apprehensive about the idea, but he couldn't think of any other place they could do that kind of tutoring, without drawing unwanted attention.

,,It really is a shame though…" Fai began looking up at the sky while talking. ,,I have come up with the perfect penalty for you, and now I have to wait till Sunday." His face looked innocent, but somehow Kurogane couldn't suppress a shudder.

Fai ended up spending the rest of the lunch hour with Kurogane; somehow he found he didn't really want to leave the male, and the other never asked him to.

Though it wasn't eventless in the least.

,,Hey you!" someone called as they were slowly making their way to the front of the school. They both turned and came face to face with no less than seven guys clearly looking for a fight.

Fai felt Kurogane tense beside him, and laid a hand on his arm.

,,Easy now Kurorin," he said quietly so the others wouldn't hear. He had a feeling that fighting would be inevitable if they got hold of the nickname. ,,You really can't afford to get in anymore trouble." Well, ignoring the fight he had already been in.

Kurogane grumbled, but knew the blond had a point. He would defend himself if they attacked, but for now it would be best to ignore them. Even if it hurt his pride.

,,What now big guy? Did the lil' lady hold you back?" they taunted. For some reason he wasn't sure if he should get pissed, or if he should laugh at them for mistaking Fai for a girl. It was a strange feeling.

,,Well maybe if we take the girl, he'll feel tike fighting." Someone suggested.

Kurogane growled; he didn't like where this was going. Then a weird sound from behind him caught his attention and he turned toward Fai.

Fai was laughing hard, holding his stomach. The attackers just stared, needing a moment to figure out Fai was ridiculing them; then they snarled.

,,What are you laughing at, blondie?"

,,Oh sorry, sorry it's just you really are stupid." Fai said still giggling a little. ,,First of; I'm a guy. And second; Yuuko might not lift a brow when you attack other delinquents, but she'll definitely suspend you for at least a weak if you attack one of her favorite students. She can be quite abusive of her power."

At that they just stared for a minute, unsure of what to do. All of them was very well aware of the principals tendencies to favor the students she liked, and the fact that Fai had called her by just her name, was proof enough of him being one of those.

The last (and only) time someone pretended to be one of her favorite students for their own gain, she had very publicly punished them, embarrassing them with the things she put them through. No one knew how she had found out about it, but no one wanted to test it. Yuuko liked to abuse her power, but she didn't like others abusing it.

None of them was particularly fond of the prospect of suspension either so they backed up. One of them, a first year called Ryuoh Fai remembered, looked back with a glare that told Fai that this wasn't over.

Poor Ryuoh was gonna fight a battle he had no chance of winning.

Fai turned to Kurogane again to continue on their way back to class, the lunch hour was almost over by now, and had to stifle another giggle.

Kurogane had a look like he wasn't sure what leg to stand on.

* * *

The rest of the day went by without a hitch, and before he knew it, Fai found himself standing on the stage again singing his new song.

Wake in a sweat again  
Another day's been laid to waste  
In my disgrace  
Stuck in my head again  
Feels like I'll never leave this place  
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up  
I'm sick of feeling  
Is there nothing you can say  
Take this all away  
I'm suffocating  
Tell me what the fuck is wrong  
With me

I don't know what to take  
Thought I was focused but I'm scared  
I'm not prepared  
I hyperventilate  
Looking for help somehow somewhere  
And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up  
I'm sick of feeling  
Is there nothing you can say  
Take this all away  
I'm suffocating  
Tell me what the fuck is wrong  
With me  
….

When Fai got home that evening, he had a funny feeling in his stomach. It felt like it was stuffed full of butterflies, and somehow he thought, that despite the unpleasant way this day had started out, it might just have ended as one of the best days he ever had.

His thoughts returned to Kurogane, as they had regularly throughout the day, and he felt the butterflies flap their wings a little.

It was a scary feeling, knowing that he was slowly growing closer to the male, but for some reason he thought that this time it might be okay, to get close. This time it might end well.

* * *

The next day he had plans with Watanuki. It wasn't often it was just the two together, but Fai loved being near him; all you had to do was mention Doumeki's name, and he would rant on and on about how annoying he was, how much of a glutton he was and so on.

Normally Doumeki was a safe choice of topic for Fai, whenever he was with Watanuki. The other could be very sharp sometimes, and more than once was he close to find out about Fai's cutting. However this time it turned out that Doumeki wasn't the safest person to discuss.

,,By the way Fai, what did you need Doumeki for the other day?" Watanuki asked, suddenly coming down from whatever place he was in when ranting about his better half.

Fai stiffened just slightly at the question, having completely forgotten about that. ,,what?" he said voice a bit high.

,,I just wondered cuz that jerk wouldn't tell me anything."

,,Oh well it wasn't anything important, just a little favor I asked of him." Fai tried to explain without giving anything away.

Watanuki frowned a bit, and he could tell the other knew something was up.

,,If it wasn't important then why not just tell me? And why would the jerk even avoid telling me?"

Fai swallowed feeling very much like he was in a very cramped space between a rock and a hard place. Watanuki saw him getting nervous and sighed inwardly, sad that Fai didn't trust him enough to tell him about his problems. He already had a feeling he knew what it was all about, but would have liked it if Fai would tell him himself.

But he was getting tired of waiting. Fai was obviously never going to tell him, so he decided to test his theory.

,,Is it about the cutting?" he asked, locking his eyes with him.

Fai stopped dead in his tracks and just stared, convinced he must have heard wrong. No scratch that; hoping he had heard wrong.

,,Wha…?" Fai didn't know how to react; he had to convince Watanuki that he wasn't cutting, but his tongue wouldn't work. Fai's reaction was all the confirmation that was needed.

,,I figured it out a while ago." He said when Fai still couldn't find his tongue. ,,I just hoped you would tell me yourself."

Fai could hear the sadness in the others voice and almost cringed. He wasn't stupid; he knew cutting was a bad idea. He knew it hurt more than just himself, and he knew he should stop. He just couldn't. He couldn't give up that feeling; give up the only sanctuary he had.

,,…sorry."

* * *

The rest of the day was… awkward. Fai didn't really know how to react around Watanuki now, and Watanuki seemed a bit depressed. They separated when it was time for Fai to go to work.

* * *

Fai worked at the club the band played at. It was called Mr. Two-Face and was a nice little café in the day time, and a rock club when night came around. Hence the name. Fai worked only weekends and his shift started at 6 pm, where the café closed. Then he had two hours to transform the cozy café to a club, before it reopened at 8. Then he would stand behind the counter until the club closed at 2 am, and then he would clean up for half an hour before going home. His usual shift was 8 and half hour long.

Then there were the times when he didn't have any plans for the day, and didn't feel like sitting at home all day. Those days he worked at the café too, and both he and his boss ignored the rules how many hours you were allowed to work.

After all he liked what he did, and it didn't really feel like work at all. Sometimes he ended up working for fifteen hours straight. That really exhausted him, but he liked the feeling of being too tired to care.

Only once did he regret such a long shift; when he forgot the set his alarm. He had ended up sleeping for eleven hours, being trapped in his nightmares in every single minute.

But tonight his shift was only for 8 and a half hours, and while he worked he couldn't help but continuously notice how many hours was left, till his meeting time with Kurogane.

Somehow the male was becoming an addiction.

* * *

When Kurogane woke up that morning, he had a very strange feeling in his chest; a mix between anticipation and doom.

Little did he know that, that day would become one of the worst days in his life, yet years later he would look back on that day and smile.

It was the first time Fai and Kurogane would meet outside of normal school. It was also the first day of Fai's new penalty and the first time the two were alone together in school.

It was a day they would both remember.

* * *

Fai was waiting patiently at the meeting point for Kurogane. He knew he was a bit early, but he couldn't stay in his apartment any longer, he was to full of a nervous excitement.

This excitement puzzled even him; he had never felt like this before, and wasn't quite sure why he was feeling it now. _Well no use mulling about it if you can't find the answer_ he thought as he waited, dropping the matter.

He suddenly started noticing how empty the street was. It was almost eerily quiet, as there weren't any cars driving by on a Sunday.

He could feel himself starting to shake ever so slightly, and his heartbeat sounded very loud in the silence. He tried to take a deep breath, to calm himself down, but the air caught in his throat and he could feel the panic slowly creeping over him.

His heart sped up, his breathing hitched and the street started swirling before his eyes. Quiet, so quiet. He couldn't take this silence, he couldn't bear the loneliness, he couldn't…

,,Oi idiot are you just going to stand there staring, or are you going to notice me." A voice suddenly sounded right next to him.

Fai jumped, startled, and turned to look at Kurogane. The panic quickly dissolved, his breathing evening out, and his heart settling down into its normal rhythm.

,,Ku-Kurogane! I didn't hear you coming." He stuttered, trying to get a hold on himself again. Kurogane frowned; something wasn't right with Fai. He noticed the glistening of sweat on his forehead, and the stuttering of his voice, but that wasn't quite all.

Fai turned away again and opened the gate with the key he had gotten from Yuuko a few days prior, feeling the eyes of the other on his back.

,,Come on then, let's get started." He said.

Kurogane followed him past the gate, and then it hit him; the idiot had called him by his whole name, not one of those god awful nicknames.

* * *

Kurogane eyed Fai's bag suspiciously. He had a feeling, whatever penalty Fai had come up with, it had something to do with whatever was in the bag. However he had no intention of finding out what it was. While he was busy worrying over not getting a penalty, he forgot to count how many swings he had made, Fai on the other hand counted very meticulously.

,,Wrong Kuropin, I'm afraid it's time for your penalty." He said not succeeding in hiding his grin in the least.

Kurogane shivered involuntary at the tone, and slowly made his way over to Fai, who was rummaging through his bag.

,,Here it is!" he exclaimed as he held up a blue bottle, that neatly hid whatever it retained. ,,Now Kuroron, I want you to take just a little swig at the bottle. After all we can't have you passing out, now can we?"

Kuroganes brows twitched dangerously. ,,I won't pass out just because of some stupid drink you've made idiot, give me bottle." He said with all intention off downing the whole damn thing just to shut the blonde up.

Fai however looked a bit hesitant.

,,Really Kuromin, you shouldn't drink too much of this at a time, you'll regret it." He warned looking cautious.

,,Just give me the damn bottle." Kurogane said, snatching the said bottle, and opening it. Locking eyes with Fai he moved it to his lips, and turned it upside down.

The moment the liquid touched his tongue he was about to spit it all out again. It tasted horrible. It burned like acid and made him want to throw up, and it was thick and gross in his mouth. He teared the bottle away, fighting hard not to gag and summoned up all his willpower.

He could barely make himself swallow it.

,,wh-what is that." He said tripping over the words.

Fai looked way to cheerful, with only a slight hint of worry in his eyes. ,,Silly Kurorin that was your penalty. I told you not to drink too much at a time."

Kurogane growled and swore he wouldn't make any more mistakes.

Sadly that liquid (whatever it was) seemed to throw him of balance and before he knew it he had to drink that stuff for the fourth time.

He made the mistake of hesitating.

,,Aww poor Kurorin, is my little homemade drink too much?" Fai teased.

Kurogane glared at him warningly, ,,Shut up blondie, I don't see you drinking this stuff."

,,Well I'm not the one making all the mistakes silly Kurowan."

Kurogane knew he was acting more short tempered than usual, but that drink really tore on his patience and Fai pressed it just a little too far. With a growl he lunged toward the blonde, not really knowing what he would do if he caught him, and as expected Fai dodged.

Kurogane chased him around the room, still mad as hell, but coherent enough to know he was for now avoiding having to drink that thing.

One of the walls was covered by wooden swords for training, and it was by that wall, Kurogane finally got a hold on Fai, accidentally pushing him at the wall with enough force to make all the swords fall.

Time seemed to slow down, as he quickly yanked Fai out of the way, tripping and dragging the other down as he fell.

,,Oww, what hap…" Fai cut of when he noticed their positions; he was laying beneath Kurogane his legs on either side of the males. Kuroganes forearms rested on the floor next to his head, holding him up slightly so he wouldn't crush the smaller. Their noses were inches apart, their eyes locked.

Fai swallowed not knowing what he should do; all coherent thought seemed to have vanished, and he was barely breathing. Kuroganes eyes were slightly wide with surprise, and he made no move to get up.

They stayed like that for a moment, and then Kurogane opened his mouth to say something. But whatever he wanted to say, Fai would never know, because in that moment the alarm on his telephone went off telling him it was time for work, and effectively breaking the spell.

Kurogane and Fai both flushed red, and Kurogane quickly pushed himself up and off of the blonde. Fai got up on shaky legs and turned the alarm off, not sure if he was glad it had gone off or not.

,,Well Kuroron," he began voice not completely stable, ,,we have to stop here for today, I've got work now."

Kurogane nodded, averting his eyes and went to change his clothes.

As they exited the school again, Fai locked it behind him, and they said their goodbyes not quite meeting each other's eyes.

It was only when he got home; Kurogane noticed something nagging at the back of his mind. Then he remembered; the school didn't allow students to work. Fai would be in trouble if anyone found out.

* * *

That night, Fai had a hard time focusing on work; his thoughts circling around what had happened only hours before.

But that night, something extraordinary happened. For the first time in years he didn't have any nightmares. That night was the first night he dreamt about Kurogane. It was the first time he regretted waking up.

* * *

**a/n please leave a review**


	4. Realizations

_A/N: new Chapter:D _

_Disclaimer: no I still dont own Tsubasa..._

_

* * *

_

_Fai was sitting in the library across from Kurogane; tutoring him in the art of math. When he looked up from the textbook, his eyes was caught in an intent stare from the other, and he could feel heat make its way to his cheeks, as Kurogane leaned forward slightly, reaching out with his hand, and cupping the side of Fais face gently. Fai took a sharp intake of breath as the warm hand settled against his jaw, his heart hammering in his chest, and he leaned into the touch a bit, forgetting every thought of keeping his distance._

_He watched as the other came closer, the table disappearing from sight, and held his breath as Kuroganes' ghosted across his face, gently lifting his hair and filling his nose with a slightly spicy scent. His heart skipped a beat when their lips almost met, the other so close he could feel the heat radiating off of him. Then with a subtle sigh, Kurogane closed his eyes leaning forward to brush their lips together, only millimeters of distance left to close when…_

,,…And now for the morning news, a body was…" that was all Fai heard as he was awoken from his dream, before he unthinkingly slammed his hand on the alarm to turn it off. He sat with his head in his hands, startled as new sensations flooded his body, and he tried to get a hold on his mangled thoughts and find out why he felt so different from all other mornings. Then it hit him; he didn't feel scared or terrified because of his nightmares, instead there was a faint lingering feeling of being safe. A shiver ran down his spine when he started to remember the dream, bit by bit, but it was not the usual shiver of fear, instead it felt warm and sent tingling sensations throughout his body.

He was in the library with Kurogane, studying. And then… then… Fai's face flooded with blood as he remembered Kurogane coming closer, remembered the warm breath, the lips almost touching.

,,oh… oh no…" he murmured as realization dawned. _I'm falling in love with him._

A single tear escaped his eyes to fall silently down his cheek; he wasn't sure if that tear symbolized happiness or sadness. A fluttering feeling in his stomach refused to go away, even as he dreaded what was to come. Getting close might be okay, but not this close; he just knew something bad would happen if he couldn't keep a certain distance from the raven haired male.

And yet somehow he couldn't quite make himself stop smiling; a little, genuine, shy smile that tugged the corners of his lips up, just a fraction.

His thoughts lingered on Kurogane as he made his way to the bathroom, and he realized that for the first time, he regretted getting up early; if only the dream had lasted a little longer…

He shook his head to get rid of those thoughts, scolding himself for wanting to taste those lips, even if only in a dream. He couldn't allow himself to grow too close, he knew that! After all, everyone he let inside ended up dead, just like…

And with that all the butterflies in his stomach grew quiet, and he noticed something the presence of Kurogane in his mind had erased; the silence. He had forgotten to turn on his music.

Ice landed in his stomach as he quickly stepped into his bedroom to start the soft flow of music. He relaxed as the silence was pierced by a song he recognized and sang along to, allowing his mind to drift away from painful memories, and consequently settle on a certain red eyed man again.

* * *

,,Fai-san? Are you alright? You seem a bit out of it." Sakura asked, concern marring her features.

,,Hmm?" Fai looked up, only now noticing Sakura standing in front of his table, ,,Oh I'm fine just thinking a little. Don't worry Sakura-chan you'll get wrinkles." He said smiling while pointing to her forehead.

Sakura gave a little yelp, and pressed her hand against her forehead, trying to feel the wrinkles Fai had assumedly seen. He couldn't help laughing a little; Sakura was simply too cute.

,,Though I think Sakura-chan would look adorable with wrinkles." Sakura smiled and lowered her hand at Fai's words. She could feel that he was somehow different today, but it was a good kind of different; like his heart had calmed.

At that moment the teacher stepped inside the classroom, calling the students to order and starting the class; it was math. Fai found his thoughts wandering back to the dream again and again, no matter how hard he tried to focus.

* * *

Kurogane hissed as he kicked, the ball flying quickly towards the goal. He could already see that it was going to miss, and mentally kicked himself for getting distracted in the middle of his favorite class: PE.

It was all that stupid dreams fault; it just had to involve soccer… and Fai. It had started with him and Fai playing together, and ended with him on the ground, with Fai sitting atop him, their fingers intertwined.

Fai had leaned down touching their noses together, his hair falling down to tickle Kurogane every time he moved. He had whispered something he couldn't quite hear, and then he had leaned further down his lips so close he could almost taste them. However Kurogane didn't like being the one on the bottom, so he flipped them around, ending up on top of Fai, smirking as he bend down and…

,,…Kurogane watch" bam! ,,Out…" Kurogane had stopped running, caught up in the dream again, and had failed to notice the ball flying toward his head. The warning had come just a little too late.

* * *

When they met up later that day, both of them felt pretty awkward.

,,Hey Kurorin…" Fai began, not exactly sure how to end the sentence.

,,…Hey" Kurogane answered avoiding his eyes as he focused on the wall to the left of the blonde.

,,Well… shall we begin then? Your history test is next week after all…"

Kurogane nodded and set his bag down, going to change, while Fai got comfortable on the floor. He absently scratched his arm, and winced when it stung. He looked down on the bandage still covering his arm; there weren't really a need for it anymore, but if he didn't wear the bandage he would just end up scratching the cuts open. They were healing now so they itched like hell.

He folded the sleeve up and carefully pushed his fingers under the gauze, so he could get better access to the wounds, trying to get the itching sensation to go away.

,,Oi what do you think you're doing? Don't scratch like that at a wound!" Kurogane said, suddenly appearing in front of him. Fai jump a bit, startled, and quickly rolled down his sleeve, hiding his arm again. Kurogane frowned a bit, but didn't question why he felt the need to hide it from him. He did, however, ask another thing:

,,What happened with your arm?" it was exactly that question he didn't want anyone, especially Kurogane, to ask; somehow he had a feeling the raven haired male would know when he was lying, and he was definitely not going to tell the truth about this one.

Well not the whole truth at least.

,,Ohh this? I accidently cut myself." There! Only one word in that sentence had been a lie, it was practically the truth he had told. As it turned out practically wasn't quite good enough.

Kuroganes frown grew deeper, and Fai knew he didn't buy the 'accidently' part of the explanation.

,,Why would you cut yourself there? It's quite a bit way up your arm, not a place you would normally hold a knife."

Thinking quick Fai said: ,,It was at work. Umm there was a broken glass on the shelf that I hadn't noticed, and when I took it down it slipped from my hands, the broken piece cutting into my skin."

Kurogane didn't look convinced. He thought that maybe Fai had been in a fight and tried to keep Kurogane from it. Well he always did believe in fighting your own fights. So he dropped the matter, thinking Fai would settle it on his own; after all, the damn idiot was really smart and good at getting away with almost anything. Heck he got away with laughing seven delinquents in the head when they were obviously looking for fight.

* * *

Kurogane was in the middle of chasing Fai around after another one of his pranks, when the door suddenly slammed open, and an angry Ryuoh entered pulling Yuuko with him by the arm.

,,What's going on." Kurogane almost growled, recocknizing Ryuoh as one of the people ganging up on him and Fai Friday.

,,Principal Yuuko, Fai is breaking the rules about working! He is working at a club even!" Ryuoh said, obviously exited about seeing Fai punished. This time Kurogane really did growl at the boy, but Fai only sighed; he felt a bit bad for Ryuoh knowing how Yuuko was when disturbed from her drinking or napping, and looking at her face now she had been napping.

Yuuko's face looked grave. ,,Well this is serious." She said sighing a bit. Kurogane frowned; Fai would end up suspended for sure. Working in itself was a serious matter, but working in a club? He had no way of getting out of that one.

,,Ryuoh, you're suspended for three days."

,,Wait what? Why am I suspended when Fai is the one breaking the rules!" Ryuoh exclaimed. Kurogane felt just as surprised as him, however Fai looked like he had expected that. Yuuko just looked at Ryuoh, looking very much pissed.

,,You're suspended because you woke me from my nap, then proceeded to drag me all across campus and all for nothing. If it was something serious I might have decided to forgive you this once, but you're just trying to get my favorite student in trouble, which I by the way don't appreciate either. Oh and Fai have you brought it?" she ended her angry speech, excitedly and Fai couldn't help but chuckle.

,,Of course Yuuko, it's right here." And then he pulled a bottle of liquor from his schoolbag, and gave it to her.

,,Oh this is the best! I love this brand, Fai you're a darling!" she hugged the liquor close and turned around, exiting again.

,,Wha-what? What just happened?" Ryuoh looked pale and very angry.

,,Silly Ryuoh-kun, of course Yuuko already know about my work, she was the one who recommended it to me." Fai explained, ,,It gives her easy access to all of her favorite alcohol."

,,But… but" Ryuoh didn't know how to continue, all anger seemed to leave him, and he just ducked his head and left, everything to confusing and reality defying for him to comprehend right now.

,,Poor boy." Fai said and Kurogane looked at him, raising an eyebrow. ,,Well I don't think he is gonna stop trying to get me in trouble, but it's a fight he can't win. Yuuko doesn't really care about anyone other than her favorites, and she doesn't take well to people who hurt them, or try to. Plus she _is_ very abusive of her power."

Kurogane snorted; ,,Well I don't care about him as long as he doesn't disturb us again. But you really are Mr. Perfect aren't you? Top student and completely untouchable no matter what you do."

Fai looked away, a sad glint to his eyes, ,,I'm nowhere near perfect Kurorin." He said subdued.

,,Yes, you are."

For a moment Fai didn't believe what he had just heard; he stood with his back to Kurogane so he couldn't see the thoughtful expression he was wearing, couldn't try to decipher the emotions playing in his yes. Before he had a chance to turn around, Kurogane spoke again:

,,Well can we continue now? We don't have a lot of time left."

,,Sure Kuronin." Fai answered smiling, getting a growl and a dark glare in return for the new nickname, but somehow it didn't seem as fierce as usual. Fai decided it must have been his imagination that Kurogane had contradicted him.

* * *

The days went by quietly and Fai found his thoughts often returning to Kurogane. It was a bit unnerving how fast he seemed to fall for the male, but with each day that passed with them slowly growing closer, and without the sky falling down because of it, he found himself relaxing slightly, letting not only Kurogane, but also his other friends a bit closer than before.

* * *

As Sakura was sitting with her friends at lunch, she noticed something changed in Fai. At first she couldn't really put her finger on what it was, but then when Fai after a joke put his hand on top of her head, and ruffled her hair up, she realized it; Fai was touching them.

Fai had always kept up a wall between him and his friends, only touching them when it was absolutely necessary, or when he was very excited, like after one of their performances. But now was different; she could see him consciously moving that invisible wall a bit, letting them that much closer to him, and it made her indescribably happy.

It was like she could see the darkness in him start to dissipate.

* * *

When Friday came around, Fai and Kurogane agreed to meet up the next day, so Kurogane could take a fake test to see if the studying had worked.

* * *

When it started to get late enough for Fai to go to bed that night, he debated with himself whether or not to go to bed early. In the last couple of days he had, had both nightmares and dreams, and every time he awoke from a dream, he wished he had gotten to bed earlier, however every time he awoke from a nightmare, he cursed himself for going to bed to early, even though he knew that he couldn't help it; he really wanted to dream about Kurogane, and so he often found himself falling asleep a couple of hours before he normally would.

He decided it was worth the risk of a nightmare, to have the chance of getting a long dream.

_

* * *

_

He was sitting on the roof of the school, looking up at the stars on the sky, when he heard a whisper of cloth from behind him. He didn't have to turn around to know who it was; he would always recocknize that presence, that familiar feel of security the other person seemed to emanate.

_He felt a warmth at his back as Kurogane sat down behind him, his legs spread so he could wrap his arms comfortably around him and hold him close. Fai leaned back his head, feeling Kuroganes breath on the side of his neck, and a shiver spread throughout his body. He held back a quiet moan at the sensation, a bit embarrassed about his reaction, but he turned his head slightly, softly kissing the side of Kuroganes head._

_His eyes got caught up in the red eyes of the man he was falling for, and in that moment everything just felt right. A part of his mind knew it was a dream, but he never wanted to wake up from it again. He felt so safe here, in Kuroganes arms; like nobody could ever harm him in any way, and he wanted to savor that feeling. _

* * *

When Kurogane awoke that morning, he had a feeling something big would happen that day; something that would change his life forever. He couldn't explain why he had that feeling, it wasn't like he had anything really unusual to do today, just Fai visiting with a test. Fai…

Kurogane shook his head, trying to get the annoying blonde out of his head, and failing miserably like all the other times. He had dreamt about him again, and again it had ended with them almost kissing; lips a tenth of a millimeter away when the dream ended. It was like he wasn't even allowed to kiss him in his dreams. Kurogane knew very well he wasn't suited for Fai; Fai was a top student, excelling in everything he did, while he was a delinquent fighting every day, and only avoiding having to repeat a year because of Fai.

It wasn't like he was really looking down on himself or anything; he knew he was handsome, and that many people fell for him, but Fai was in a completely different league. When he looked into his eyes, he could see the frailty he hid deep inside him, and knew he could never fulfill his needs; Fai needed someone solid, someone who could protect him, keep him away from anything that could hurt him, and being with him would only put him in harm's way.

And besides that, Fai would never choose someone with Kuroganes temper; it was a miracle he hadn't already grown sick of him and canceled the lessons.

Kurogane was really starting to drive himself down a very big hole.

But still, all those negative thoughts couldn't drive that feeling of an impending life changing event away, and a small hope started to bloom in his chest; Fai wasn't like other people, not at all. Maybe he didn't really mind his bad temper. It still didn't change the fact that he didn't deserve the blonde, but if he at least could feel like the blonde didn't dislike him, then it would be just that bit more easy to bare.

He had already accepted the fact that he was seriously and completely in love with Fai.

,,This is the first time I have ever regretted the choice's I have made. I wonder… if mom and dad had been alive, how much would be different?" he said, sitting at the side of the bed. Then he shook his head; had his parents been alive he would have studied more, been a better student and wouldn't have needed tutoring. He probably would have never met Fai.

Then he paused in his thoughts. A new feeling had come over him, a feeling that lifted his spirits a bit and made him feel like maybe that dream he just had could come true. Somehow he felt that he would have met Fai, no matter what.

**

* * *

**

**Omake**

Sakura was probably the nicest, gentlest, most naïve person on the face of the planet, so how did she end up in a rock band?

When she wanted to start learning keyboard, her parents had let her without as much as a lifted brow; sure piano lessons seemed to fit their daughter more, but keyboard was like the an updated version of the piano so it didn't seem too strange for them. However when she had wanted to learn how to play the bass, they had outright stared at her, not even being able to imagine their cute little daughter playing such an instrument.

But Sakura was their only daughter and they didn't want her to miss out on anything she wanted, so they had complied.

And then she threw the final bomb; A rock band. How did that happen?

Her parents decided they needed to see this person that were dragging her into the unsteady world of rock, were they could never be sure their daughter would be okay; both of them set on making whoever it was, drop the idea.

And then they met Fai. At first they didn't know he was the one wanting to start a band; Sakura had only introduced him as her friend. When they found out, their jaws lingered mere centimeters from the floor; this frail looking, energetic, sweet, flirting young man in a rock band? That was almost as unbelieving as with Sakura.

In the end they gave their permission, knowing Fai would keep their youngest safe.

So why did Sakura join the band?

Despite her naïve outlook on things, she wasn't stupid; actually she was a very observant young woman, and to be able to handle everything life threw at her, she needed an outlet. She had found such an outlet in the keyboard, but it wasn't quite enough. It was a little better with the bass, but something was still missing. And now she had her perfect outlet; the band.

Sakura could stay her innocent self, _because _she as in a rock band; all her bad emotions was whisked away by the music, almost before she noticed they were even there.

* * *

**A/N:** please rewiev, constuctive critisism very welcome^^ By the way this chapter gave me some trouble in uploading it so please tell me if anything is out of plac


	5. Beginnings

**a/n: just a little notice on the world Fai and Kurogane are living in; it's a world very much like ours, except the fact that homosexual relationships is as normal as heterosexual. There are also other things in this world that differentiates from ours, but they will come in due time (FYI: the way Yuuko acts as the principal is ****not ****another difference between the worlds. That's just Yuuko).**

**

* * *

**

When Fai woke up the next morning, butterflies danced around, not only in his stomach, but in his entire body.

It took a moment for him to notice that he hadn't heard his alarm go of, and one look at the time, showed him that he had awoken earlier than he had to. _Well _he thought _I guess that's the consequence of waking up early every day. Now I can't sleep in. _

He lay in his bed for a bit, thinking about the day ahead, and didn't even feel bothered by the silence. It was the first time, he had been able to consciously ignore the silence, thinking back, he suddenly realized that Kurogane had brought along a lot of first times:

the first time he almost forgot a concert, the first time he hadn't been bothered by a nightmare, the first time he had felt safe in a dream, the first time he had dreamt at all instead of one of those awful nightmares, the first time he had wanted to kiss someone, the first time he had felt _ashamed_ of cutting, _the first time he had felt ashamed at lying_.

Kurogane had given him so much, without even knowing it, and Fai found himself wishing he could somehow give him just as much in return; he just didn't know how.

He sighed as he remembered the dream, how it had evolved from them sitting on the roof, what dream Kurogane had said; all the words he wanted to hear from the real Kurogane. Yet at the same time, the words he was afraid of hearing.

He had let Kurogane closer in than anyone else had been, in a long time now, and he still vividly remembered the last person he had let in. the long flowing black hair, those soft eyes, the gentle hands that led him out in the world for the first time.

Yes Kurogane wasn't the only one bringing him changes. Ashura; sweet, gentle Ashura who had saved him so many times. He still remembered how his black hair had been dyed in red, how the soft eyes had lost their gleam, and how rasping his last breaths had been.

And he was terrified he would have to watch that all over again with Kurogane. After all, everyone he had let in had died; horribly, in front of his eyes.

But then again; Kurogane wasn't a small fragile child, he wasn't a slender grownup having trouble with killing even a fly. No Kurogane was a strong young man, fighting on an almost everyday basis. He wouldn't be killed just like that; it was more likely that he would beat the living daylight out of whoever tried their luck against him.

He couldn't help remembering the way Kurogane had looked while fighting; that graceful way he handled his body, the way he could almost see the muscles rippling beneath his shirt and the glare. Kuroganes glare had been so full of emotion; so full of glorious anger, it had almost taken his breath away.

His heart sped up as his thoughts lingered on those red eyes, how they looked at him as though they could pierce his very soul. He could feel the butterflies getting frantic, and he suddenly couldn't sit still. A nervous energy ran through his entire body, and he got up from the bed, and stood a bit, not quite knowing what he should do now.

However he couldn't stand still, and so he grabbed what he needed and took a shower. It was still hours till he had to head over to Kurogane, so he allowed himself to enjoy a long warm shower, washing his hair and giving himself time to let the water loosen his muscles.

Finally he stepped back out of the shower, not knowing how he should get the next couple of hours to pass; what did he usually do? Well he figured he could do a little studying himself, after all he did have time to spare, and he didn't feel in the mood for a new song.

* * *

Kurogane looked around his apartment critically; it wasn't exactly messy, but it could use a bit of cleaning up, before Fai came over. He still had little more than an hour before it was time, so he calmly started cleaning. However the calm was only a front; on the inside his nerves was frazzled and he kept having to stop himself from looking at the clock.

In little more than an hour Fai would be in his apartment, sitting on his couch; he wondered how Fai would look in his home, if he would look out of place or if…

Kurogane stopped that train of thought concentrating on the task at hand; there was no reason to wonder about it now, it was impossible to predict anything with Fai, so he wouldn't get far trying. Besides this wasn't like him; getting absentminded and almost flustered.

He frowned a bit, thinking of the effect Fai had on him. It was like nothing he had ever experienced before, like flying and falling at the same time, he found himself thinking about the blonde when they were apart, no matter how hard he tried not to.

Frankly; the feeling of not being in control of his own mind annoyed him quite a bit, but somehow he found it hard to keep feeling that way when he pictured Fai in his mind (courtesy of his non existing control).

The blonde himself wasn't as annoying as he had first been, and Kurogane found that the nicknames weren't as bad as anymore. Though he would still like to hear his actual name come from those… pink… lips…

Then he had to stop _that_ train of thought too, his mind getting a bit too much out of control.

* * *

Fai took a deep breath and raised his hand to knock. His other hand was fisted around a note with Kuroganes address on it, and now he stood in front of his apartment, and tried to get his nerves under control and a rather goofy grin off his face.

He knocked and held his breath as he waited, hoping he hadn't read the note wrong and was at the wrong place. He could hear steps come from the other side of the door, and his heart sped up at the sound as he recocknized it, though something like that shouldn't be possible.

When Kurogane opened the door, he let his breath out and felt his racing heart slow down a bit. However when he really took in the others appearance his heart skipped a beat, Kurogane didn't really look any different from when they were at school, but something was very different about him anyway. The way he casually leaned against the doorframe, the relaxed set of his shoulders and the way he just looked… at home.

It was an almost cozy feeling, the feel of a real home with people who liked living there; it was a feeling he hadn't felt in a while.

,,Come on in." Kurogane said, his deep voice rumbling a bit. Fai shook himself out of his daze and took off his shoes as he entered.

,,Thanks Kurorin, and good morning!" Fai said happily when the door closed behind him.

Kurogane snorted; ,,It's not morning anymore moron."

,,I know." He answered with a grin, and Kurogane rolled his eyes.

Fai looked around in the apartment and couldn't help feeling a bit relieved when he saw that none of the walls were white. He could deal with white walls, as long as he wasn't alone, but he didn't like it.

But Kuroganes walls were all either green or blue it seemed, which made Fai wonder who had picked out the colors; it didn't seem like something Kurogane would care about.

,,Come on we'll be sitting in the living room." Was the words that interrupted his thoughts, and Fai followed Kurogane into a room slightly larger than his own living room.

Kurogane's apartment was bigger than his own, but not by much; the kitchen was separate from the living room, but almost the same size as his', the bathroom big enough to contain both shower and tub, and of course the living room wider and more open than his own, what with those big windows Kurogane had.

His own apartment didn't have windows that big, which made it seem way smaller than it was, also his kitchen was a part of the living room, and his bathroom was too small too fit a tub. All in all; his apartment fit him nicely, but having anyone over it quickly became a bit claustrophobic.

Fai settled into the couch, failing to notice how Kurogane lingered a bit, his eyes trained on him, before he sat down beside him. If he noticed Kurogane sitting a bit close, Fai didn't let it show.

* * *

Kurogane dropped his pen with a sigh, finally finished with the fake test, and frowning a bit in annoyance; he thought the fake test would be a light one, but it was just as difficult as normal ones. However he felt quite sure that he had done well on this one, and couldn't help feeling a bit proud as he looked around to find Fai.

At some point while he struggled with the test, Fai had gotten up to explore his home, and now he felt the need to find the blonde, making sure nothing had been destroyed.

It didn't take long to locate him, as he was still in the living room, surveying the two swords he had at display on the wall. They weren't training swords made of wood, no these were the real deal, though blunt so they couldn't cut anyone. Regardless being hit by one would still hurt like hell.

He took a moment to appreciate how right Fai looked inside his home, the green and blue walls fit him almost perfectly, and he found himself grateful he had let Tomoyo choose the colors. He would just have gone with white, but somehow looking at Fai now, he had a feeling white would just wash out his colors.

He remembered how Fai had looked sitting in his couch, and couldn't fight the smirk that surfaced; nothing had been out of place, Fai looked like he really belonged here.

Maybe that thought was what fuelled what was about to happen.

He got up and silently walked up behind Fai who had his back turned as he looked at the two swords.

,,That one is Souhi, and the one with the dragon hilt is Ginryuu." He said keeping his voice low as to not startle the man. Fai jumped a bit despite the low tone, and inclined his head just slightly toward Kurogane, feeling his heart speed up in his chest from the closure of the other.

,,Oh? Isn't Ginryuu uncomfortable to hold with scales on the hilt?" he asked, his voice almost completely calm, but not quite acquiring the normal teasing tone it held. Kurogane couldn't help but smile a bit as an idea formed in his mind.

Carefully he lifted Ginryuu down from the wall, and put it in Fai's hand, using his own fingers to close his around the hilt. He left his hand over Fais, reveling in the soft feeling of the others skin against his palm, as he pulled Fai with him one step back from the wall, so he could swing the sword.

He gently directed Fai through a series of light swings that wouldn't be too hard on him, and felt how the muscles in his back worked, as it was pressing against his chest.

Fai could barely breathe; he was pressed against Kurogane, while the others hand rested above his, and the warmth he emanated seemed almost scalding. For a moment he was afraid his heart was going to stop, but instead it just kept racing far too fast to be healthy.

He jumped a bit when Kuroganes left hand rested on the one of his that was by now hanging uselessly and forgotten by his side, and brought it up to grab at the hilt, below the right one. His cheeks flooded with blood, and he felt extremely warm, all over his body, while his hand started tingling a bit.

When Kurogane had led Fai through all of the swings they just stood still for a moment, none of them wanting to break the spell that had been cast. Finally Fai turned his head, just a bit and looked at Kurogane, eyes questioning and full of emotions.

,,Kuro…?"

Captured by Fais gaze, Kurogane reacted without thinking; bending down a bit, to softly touch his lips to Fais. It wasn't quite a kiss, but it wasn't quite _not _a kiss either. He felt Fai stiffen beneath him, and suddenly it dawned upon him what he had done, but instead of pulling away and apologize, he drew in closer and made the kiss firmer. If Fai was going to push him away he was at least gonna enjoy this one kiss.

However Fai didn't push him away. After a moment of confusion he finally realized what happened, and he relaxed his body, melting against Kurogane and kissed him back. All thought had fled his mind, and all he could feel was Kuroganes lips on his, Kuroganes chest against his back and Kuroganes hand over his.

His body was on fire, and he wanted that moment to never end, ever. But everything must come to an end, and all too soon Kurogane drew back a bit, resting his forehead against Fais, as his ragged breathing slowed.

,,well…" he started, locking eyes with Fai and feeling his heart race, ,,I guess… that was my way of asking you to date me…"

Fai hesitated for a second. This was it, the defining moment. He could either agree and let Kurogane closer than anyone had ever been to him before, risking the worst while hoping for the best, or he could decline, pushing him away, and possibly save him from the death that followed everyone he care for.

That thought was almost enough to make him shake his head as an answer, but one look into those red eyes and his mouth spoke before his brain had time to stop it.

,,Well I guess that was my way of saying yes." He breathed, still not entirely recovered from the kiss.

The way Kuroganes eyes lit up was enough to take what little air he had left from him. He felt the other carefully laying down Ginryuu, before turning him around, so they were face to face before once again capturing his lips.

This kiss was so much more than the first. The first had been a shy touch off lips, a descent into unfamiliar territory for them both, none of them knowing the outcome. But this kiss was deeper, more meaningful. An expression of their feelings for each other, blooming between them. It was perfect.

Fai felt Kurogane nibble at his lips and spread them, allowing him to enter his mouth. The kiss turned passionate in a matter of seconds, Kuroganes hands pressing Fai closer and locking his mouth against his, while Fais hands settled in his hair and on his shoulder, trying to get as close as possible.

When they pulled apart again, Fai gasped for air while Kurogane began nibbling along his jaw line, out of breath, but unwilling to stop. After a moment their lips met again, and Fai felt his legs wobble beneath him. Kurogane noticed and smirking he proceeded to lift Fai up, feeling the other wrap his legs around him, while never breaking the kiss.

He carried him over to the couch and carefully settled both of them down on it, turning a bit and pressing Fai down so he was lying on top of him.

Fai began to tremble slightly under Kurogane, the intense kiss spreading fire throughout his whole body, the feeling almost overwhelming. With a small smirk Kurogane drew back, and looked down at the panting blonde beneath him, just a bit proud of the flustered expression he had caused. Then again inwardly he felt just as flustered as Fai looked, and he was sure his cheeks were as flushed as the blondes were.

He lightly kissed Fais forehead, and then laid down with his head on the others chest, his ear just above the heart, so he could hear the rapid beating of it.

He couldn't help but feel a bit strange inside; just this morning he had been depressed, because he would never be good enough for Fai, and now here he was, laying on top of him, hearing the heartbeat he had caused to quicken.

Bur he felt happy, immensely happy. He may not be good enough for Fai, but he would change that. He would become someone Fai would be proud to date, someone that wouldn't ever drag him into troubles. He would make sure to protect him. No matter what.

And now he felt embarrassed of himself; he hated feeling weak, and that was exactly how he had felt. He almost couldn't believe how depressed he had been, it just wasn't like him. If he wanted something he took it, it didn't matter how hard it was to acquire he would find a way, but this time he had been ready to just give up.

But that was over; he hadn't believed he would ever get Fai, but now that he had him, he wasn't going to let go.

On the table beside them lay Kuroganes fake test; all but forgotten.

* * *

It was a few hours later, they were but still snuggling on the couch when suddenly Fais telephone rang. It was just the alarm telling him it was time to work, but it broke the pleasant silence that had settled between them. It was the first time Fai had ever experienced such a pleasant silence, feeling no need to fill it with useless small talk.

Kurogane had been almost asleep by the time the alarm went off, lulled by the now steady beat of Fai's heart, and the soothing movement of his fingers running through his hair.

But now their time was up, and Fai had to leave. He was a bit sad to go; fearing if he did what had happened that day, would disappear like a fleeting dream after you woke up.

However when he was standing at the door Kurogane also got dressed.

,,Kurorin?" he asked not sure what to make of it.

,,I'm walking you to work." Was all he said, and Fai couldn't help but smile genuinely at his new lover.

,,That's very sweet Kuropu, but I'm driving to the club so there's no need. You would just have to walk home."

,,Doesn't matter. I wanna know where you work anyway so it's no trouble. Besides I was kinda planning to pick you up again afterward."

,,Well however much I would like that, I get off from work very late. I'm sure by that time you're already asleep."

Kurogane frowned, ,,How late_ do you_ get off?" he asked feeling he wouldn't like the answer.

,,…Half past two."

,,Are you serious? You're only seventeen, I'm not even sure you're _allowed_ to work that late. Wait… did you work that late last Sunday too? On a school night?"

Fai nodded smiling lightly at him as they made their way down to ground level. ,,It's no problem, I don't really sleep much, so even if I work late on a school night, it's not gonna have any real influence."

Kuroganes frown grew deeper; after having seen Fai's real smiles, he could easily tell this one wasn't real. The smile irritated him, but he decided to let it go for now. He had more pressing things at hand.

,,I'll come get you anyway. I don't like the thought of you out at that hour alone."

Fai chuckled a bit at him, ,,Silly Kuro-sama. You know I can take care of myself, not even you have managed to catch me."

,,That's not true, I caught you that one time in the dojo." He pointed out.

,,Only because I let you."

Kurogane growled at him, but when they got to Fais car he quickly went over to the driver's side.

,,What are you doing Kuroron?" Fai inquired looking curiously at him.

,,I'm driving." He answered holding his hands out for the keys. ,,I told you I would come get you when you're done with work, and I'll need the car to get back."

Fai looked very closely at his face, and seeing the stubborn look in his eyes he decided to just give up. Sighing he handed over his keys, and prepared himself for guiding Kurogane to the club.

Kurogane looked skeptically at the club, ,,Two Face? Isn't that a Café?"

,,Well yes, in the day time it is, however at night it becomes a rock club. That's why it's called Mr. Two Face." Fai answered grinning a bit; he adored that confused look on Kuroganes face.

,,hmp, anyway I'll be here at 2:30, to drive you back so you better not stay late."

With that Kurogane drove back to his apartment, already looking forward to seeing Fai again… even if it was in the middle of the night. The blonde was his now, and he would be damned if he allowed even the chance of something happening to him.

At that time, he hadn't been able to protect the two people that meant the most to him, but he _was _going to protect the people he cared about _now._ After all, there was a reason he had become so strong.

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**a/n: review please^^ constructive criticism is always welcome, and it makes me update faster!**


	6. Of tears and laughter

**Disclaimer: I've said it before and I'll say it again (as if anyone actually cared): no I don't own Tsubasa.**

**A/n: … don't really have anything to say…**

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When Fai got off from work at almost exactly half past two, he found Kurogane waiting for him just outside the club, sitting in his nice and toasty car. It wasn't all that cold yet, but the nights were beginning to drop in temperature, and he was grateful he could slip right inside the warm vehicle.

,,Hey Kurorin." Fai said keeping his voice low due to the slightly groggy face of his newly acquired boyfriend.

Kurogane mumbled something incoherent and placed a soft kiss on his lips, before pulling out and heading toward Fai's apartment, barely waiting for directions and paying for it by going the wrong way.

,,You know, you really didn't have to do this. I would have been just fine on my own." He said as he watched the red eyes looking just a bit clouded. Kurogane just shrugged and kept driving, not having enough energy to talk.

The rest of the drive was silent, except for Fai humming a little.

As Kurogane pulled up next to his apartment, Fai contemplated the smart of the idea currently sitting in his head. They both got out of the car, and Kurogane gave Fai the keys before bending down to kiss him again.

His hand came off to naturally lay in the blonde hair, as Fai leaned against him sighing into the kiss. It was a sleepy, sweet kiss, and Fai felt a bit sad when they parted, but he kept eye contact with Kurogane and decided to ask.

,,Wanna stay over tonight? Since it's so late and all."

Kurogane blinked, for the first time looking close to fully awake, ,,Are you sure?" he asked scrutinizing the blue eyes.

Fai didn't trust his voice at that moment, so he just nodded and took the others hand, leading him out of the cold, and up the stairs to his apartment.

Kurogane looked around Fai's home, eyes blurry with sleep, while said person made up the couch for his guest. Both knew it was way too early to share a bed, and Fai's couch actually looked quite comfortable, though maybe a little small.

Kurogane frowned; feeling something was off. His eyes took in the living room/kitchen and even though he could clearly see the bare walls, it wasn't until he saw Fai walking around, a slight tenseness in his shoulders, that he realized what was nagging him in the back of his mind; this didn't feel like a home at all.

Fai's apartment completely lacked the feel of a sanctuary, a place for rest and peace. He got up behind him without a sound, and quietly hugged him. Fai tensed a bit, not having noticed Kurogane, but quickly relaxed against him, taking in the warmth of his arms, and the usual slightly spicy scent that belonged to the man.

,,What is it Kurorin?" he asked leaning against his broad chest. Kurogane just grumbled something holding him close and resting his chin on the top of his head.

,,Heh, well the couch is done now Kurosleepy. Go on and lay down."

With a low growl he let go and sat down on the couch, really feeling how late it was now. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wondered how Fai could still be so energetic, but he was too tired to chase that thought at the moment.

He sighed contented as he lay down and was almost coherent enough to feel Fai tugging him in a blanket. Almost.

Fai couldn't help but chuckle as he exited the living room; poor Kurogane obviously wasn't used to staying up so late. He changed and turned off the light, before laying down in his bed falling asleep immediately and still with a small smile.

Forgetting all about setting the alarm.

* * *

_ He was in a cramped dark space, his own breath and heartbeat loud in his ears. He tried to stifle his breath a bit, knowing he had to stay quiet as Ashura had said._

_Noises outside caught his attention and he quietly opened the door a bit, blinking at the light he let in through the small crack. The sight that met him, almost made him jump out, but somehow Ashura's eyes found his, and he froze in a half crouch. _

'_Stay' they said. And then the knife came down. Blood splattered everywhere and there was a gurgling sound, a few rasping breaths, the sound of repetitive stabbing, and then it was quiet._

_He couldn't move, could barely breathe himself anymore. He could see Ashura's eyes, staring at nothing, could smell the blood oozing out of him and hear the footsteps of his murderer. Yet he couldn't move. _

_Half of him screamed for him to burst out of the closet, to hurt or kill this person who murdered his father. But the other half of him wanted to run; to run and run and never look back…_

* * *

When Kurogane woke up, light was streaming in through the windows, and he could faintly hear the few birds that had yet to go south, chirping. With a groan he got up from the couch, only slightly uncomfortable, and went to look for Fai.

He found him in his bed still sleeping, and a sense of calm washed over him at the sight. Fai's hair wasn't the least ruffled from the sleep, and he was laying very still in his sleep. Somehow Kurogane had thought Fai to be the kind of person to move a lot while he slept, but he was almost completely still and strangely enough on his stomach.

The sense of calm quickly disappeared though. For some reason he couldn't quite grasp there was something unnatural about how quiet Fai was. He went up to the headboard and lightly placed a hand on his back, looking at his face and frowning.

Fai was very, _very_ pale and now with a hand on his back, he could tell that he wasn't the least bit relaxed. He could feel the shape of each muscle through the night shirt.

,,Fai? Hey Fai, wake up. Fai!" he said, gently shaking his shoulder as he tried to rouse the boy. With a bolt Fai sat up in bed, looking startled. He stared at Kurogane for all of two seconds, before darting out of bed and into the bathroom, where he threw up in the toilet.

Kurogane followed more than a little startled, and awkwardly rubbed his back, wondering what kind of nightmare could be that intense.

,,Are you okay?" he asked when Fai was done, helping him up and putting an arm around his waist, to keep him steady.

Fai looked up at him through his bangs; ,,No. I can't believe you saw that."

Kurogane looked at him very carefully, before picking him up and carrying him back to his room. ,,Come on, get dressed. We'll go over to my place okay?" he said feeling Fai probably wouldn't want to stay here.

Fai just nodded and did as he was told, while Kurogane searched the kitchen for some breakfast they could eat on the way.

* * *

,,Fai are you sure about this?" Kurogane asked, sounding a bit apprehensive.

,,Of course I am Kuropon, don't worry I have everything under control!" Came the answer from the hyper blonde, currently running around his kitchen looking like he was trying to set in on fire or something.

Kurogane stood in the doorway, not daring to go into the deathtrap, but not willing to leave his boyfriend alone either. Whether it was out of concern for him or the kitchen, he wasn't quite sure.

Even while being busy cooking, Fai kept a conversation going, asking Kurogane about this and that as he maneuvered the food so it wouldn't burn. Kurogane had to admit he was impressed, even though he still wasn't sure the end result would be edible, it looked rather convincing. Fai had a way of making it look easy.

At least he had completely recovered from that nightmare many hours earlier.

,,Well Kuropun, would you mind setting the table? The foods almost ready." Fai said, taking the boiling pot off the heat, and stirring in the two pans.

Kurogane grunted and moved inside the kitchen, deeming it was safe enough now that the stove was turned off, and grabbed some plates from the cupboard. He easily dodged Fai who was still buzzing around, getting the final details done, and went in to the next room to set the table.

The kitchen was too small to fit even a small dining table, so Kurogane had one situated close to the entrance in the living room.

Truth be told, it was a bit early to eat dinner, but Fai had work at six so they decided to eat before, and then Fai had gone rampant saying he was going to make the best dinner Kurogane had ever had.

Now, as he sat across from the man he had fallen for, sniffing in the aromatic scent of the food, he couldn't help but think this might just be everything Fai had promised.

As Kurogane lifted the first bite to his mouth, Fai was looking very carefully at him, trying to see his first impression of the food. He knew he was a good cook, Ashura had taught him everything, but he was a bit rusty, not normally cooking when it was just for him.

However he could have spared the nerves, it was clear Kurogane loved the food even if he _was _trying to hide it.

,,Not bad." he grunted between to bites, too busy eating to say anything else. Fai chuckled and started eating his own food, glad Kurogane liked it, and amused at his failed attempt to hide it; really, he was adorably stubborn.

So adorably stubborn he practically asked for it.

,,Really? Not bad? Well I guess if it isn't to your liking I could always take it back." He said, reaching out for Kuroganes plate. Kurogane growled at him, shielding the plate just slightly with his arm, ,, I never said that."

Fai laughed, ,,Oh Kurowan, you look just like a puppy with a bone."

Kurogane retaliated with a piece of meat hitting Fai directly between the eyes. For a moment Fai could only stare, shocked at Kuroganes reaction. He was still so long, that said person was about to think he had gone too far, when Fai smiled _that_ smile. The smile that meant pure evil in Kuroganes book.

Swiftly a piece of potato was sent flying, and would have hit him in the face had he not dodged in the last second. This, meant _war_.

Kurogane quickly ducked behind the couch, armed with his plate of food, while Fai took his plate behind the door, getting ready for another assault.

,,Take that!" he exclaimed as he threw some vegetables this time, with deadly precision. One hit Kurogane in the forehead, another slipped down his shirt, and he gave an involuntary yelp at the sensation. He got rid of the offending piece of not-quite-food, and took the offense next, sending waves of food at Fai, the minute he appeared from the door.

But Fai was quick and hit him, just as many times as he got hit.

It didn't take long for Kurogane to run out of food with the pace they were setting, and he looked contemplating down his plate, then at the table situated almost directly between them, still full of food.

Fai must have run out of food too, for he cautiously came out with his hands up one of them holding the empty plate. Kurogane smiled, got up himself and showed his empty plate, and they both silently agreed to reload.

Kurogane looked very closely at Fai as they neared the table, not putting it passed him to suddenly grab something and throw it, even in this temporary truce. However Fai didn't approach the table, instead he put down his plate and walked cautiously over to him.

Kurogane kept his eyes trained on him, forgetting about the food right in front of him, as his beautiful boyfriend came closer.

When they were face to face Fai looked up at him directly into his eyes, and _smiled. That _smile_._

,,Oh no you do…" that was all he had time to say, before Fais potato filled hand came into close contact with his face. _That _smilestill present.

,,You're gonna regret that." Kurogane said, before grabbing the blonde and burying his face in his neck. Fai squealed and squirmed, trying to get out, all the while laughing while Kurogane split the by now mashed potato between them.

As Kurogane drew back slightly their eyes met, laughter still evident in both, and he leaned down capturing still chuckling lips, in a light airy kiss.

Fai locked both his arms around Kuroganes neck, but couldn't stop chuckling entirely, and had to break the kiss. Kurogane rolled his eyes at his boyfriend, but leaned down and swept him up if his arms. Fai squealed again, and Kurogane dumped him unceremounesly on the couch, following him down and kissing him again. This time Fai refrained from laughing, but he did smile as he followed Kuroganes lead.

The kisses were light and teasing, just like the mood, but Fai still snaked his arms around Kurogane and gradually the kisses became deeper.

Soon Kurogane nibbled at Fai's lip, just like the first time, and Fai opened his mouth entwining their tongues.

As the kiss drew deeper, Fai's hands moved to Kuroganes hair, playing with the soft strands, and feeling the other mimic his movements; only one of Kuroganes hands went down to his side, and caressed it through the shirt he was wearing.

He shivered at the touch, feeling the sensitive skin tickle under the light touch. As his hand found a specially sensitive spot, Fai couldn't quite hold back moan, and he flushed scarlet as he registered the sound he had made.

Kurogane smirked, but didn't halt his activities, neither with his mouth nor with his hands. He tried to find that spot again, eager to hear more of that voice, even muffled by the kiss as it was.

Just as he found that place in Fais side again, he drew back and was rewarded by a louder now unmuffled moan.

And then he started tickling him. Fai squealed, surprised, for the third time that day, and writhed under him as he continued the attack, on his sides.

He knew he had done it out of nowhere, but he had felt the slight tenseness in his boyfriend, and knew he had gone a little too far, a little too quick. As an apology and mood reliever he had started his tickle attack, and once again Fai's clear laughter rang in the apartment.

Kurogane loved that sound; it was so full of life and happiness, that he couldn't help smiling himself. However the moment was brutally ruined by Fai's cell going off once again to announce it was time to go to work.

They both looked at each other for a moment, and then Fai said three words Kurogane wanted to hear, more than anything right then.

,,I'm ditching today."

He turned the alarm off, and sent a quick message to his boss, that he wouldn't be coming, before settling down beneath Kurogane once again.

Kurogane touched their foreheads together, and just looked at him for a while.

,,God, you're so beautiful." He whispered, a tenderness in his eyes, Fai hadn't ever seen before.

,,Nuh uh, you're beautiful." He said rubbing their noses together, and smiling softly.

Kurogane chuckled and shook his head. ,,I'm nowhere near as beautiful as you."

Fai wanted to retort, but something in Kuroganes voice made his throat tighten. In that voice he heard something he shouldn't be able to hear yet, it was too early and though he couldn't quite place the feeling somewhere deep down he knew what it was; love.

Kurogane leaned down and kissed him again, though this time making sure his hands stayed safely in Fai's hair. Fai sighed happily and enjoyed the feeling of being near. However he broke it soon after and gently pushed Kurogane away.

,,I think we kinda forgot something Kuronin." He said and turned said 'Kuronin's head with his hands.

,,Oh…" Kurogane said as he took in the mess, the living room had become; scattered food _everywhere_. It was at that moment Kurogane's stomach decided to remind them, that they hadn't eaten very much before starting the food fight, and Kurogane blushed a bit as he got up.

,,Well better get started cleaning then." He sighed, already missing the warmth of Fai's body.

Between the two of them, it only took about fifteen minutes to clean everything, which was quite an accomplishment seeing as the food was _literally_ scattered everywhere_. _And then they sat down again, after almost one and a half hour, and started eating the by now cold food.

Even so it was still very much delicious.

* * *

And then they saw the kitchen. Fai may be a wonderful, multitasking cook, but he had no idea how to clean up along the way. The kitchen was, for lack of a better word, trashed.

Kurogane growled as he took in the mess, not feeling very happy about having to clean again, but it didn't seem to faze Fai at all. He hummed to himself while he got started on cleaning the various utensils he had used, and Kurogane grudgingly followed, deciding two would be faster than one.

He tried to listen to what Fai was humming, but couldn't recocknize it. When he asked about it, Fai beamed up at him, and answered it was one of the songs he had written for his band.

Right, the band. Kurogane had completely forgotten that Fai played in a band, and now that he thought about it, he didn't even know the name of it.

,,Hey Fai? What's the name of the band anyway, I don't think you have told me."

At that Fai just stared at him his mouth open, but no sound coming out of it.

,,It does have a name right? Right Fai?" Kurogane asked, but Fai just shook his head looking incredulous.

,,I can't believe I never thought about that." He said then continued, ,,No it doesn't have a name, but it should! I just don't know what it should be, what would fit it, fit us."

,,What about something you like? Whatever it is you like so much about music, about performing. Wouldn't that be best?" Kurogane suggested.

,,What I like about music…" Fai trailed of and thought about it. The reason he had started the band, the reason he loved being on that stage.

Now he had the name.

,,Sound. The name of the band is Sound."

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A/n:

**End of chapter 6 **

**Please leave a rewiev, constructive criticism is as always welcome, and will result in faster updates^^**

**By the way, I'm currently thinking about changing the title of this story, but I don't know what would fit it… Fill the silence is just a name I thought up quickly because I forgot the story needed one, so if you have an idea of a name you're more than welcome to suggest it^^ **


	7. discovery

**A/N: Merry Christmas^^ sorry it took so long to get the next chapter out, but I didn't really feel inspired to write… and I fell and hit my arms a couple of weeks back, fracturing the bone a little, so it was literally a pain to write:( **

**Anyway here is the next chapter.**

Kurogane was not pleased. He was not pleased at all. It was today he had to take that history test, and Fai had never gotten around to correct the fake test, so he had no idea how he had done.

Granted it was mainly his fault for keeping him preoccupied the entire weekend, but that did nothing to ease his nerves. If he flunked this one he'd have to wave goodbye to all thoughts of graduation. That was how bad his grades were.

As he sat in the classroom, waiting for the test to start he couldn't help, but hope that it wouldn't be harder than Fai's fake test.

,,Okay everyone, you know the rules: no cheating, that means; no books, phones, Mp3, I pod, I pad… you get the idea. Just the paper and a pencil, nothing else. Begin."

Kurogane quickly flipped the paper, and started reading the first question.

_Huh?_

_What the hell?_

This was nowhere as difficult as the fake test Fai had brought over; he raced through the first five questions without difficulty of any sort.

_He could do this_

Meanwhile, in another classroom across campus, Fai was taking notes for physics while wondering how Kurogane was doing. He had made the test difficult on purpose, wanting to see exactly how good he was at remembering things when presented the right way, and from the look he had gotten at it while he was writing, he would say Kurogane would do just fine on this test.

Of course granted Kurogane wouldn't be too pissed off about the sleep he had lost from worrying needlessly.

Fai would really have loved to see his face the moment he figured it out.

With his thoughts centered on his boyfriend, the next couple hours passed in a blur, and before he knew it, lunch rolled around.

As he went to fetch Kurogane he started feeling a bit nervous; today was the first time his friends would meet him, and he was going to introduce him as his boyfriend to them. In his ears he could almost hear Sakura's voice, warning him about Kurogane and telling him what a bad reputation he had.

,,Oi." A very familiar voice said from right beside his head, and he jumped a bit before turning and smiling at Kurogane, who was standing right there at his side, somehow sneaking up on him. A slight smirk grazed the tanned face, and those red eyes seemed almost smoldering in their intensity.

Fai felt a small shiver work its way up his back, and in that moment he could almost swear his smile had never been as real as it was then.

,,Hey there. Did the test go well?" he asked, not quite sure if he was comfortable with how hard he was falling for the other man. And of course, this being Kurogane, he reacted exactly as expected.

,,What do you think baka." He scowled, ,,That test was so easy it was almost ridiculous. You made that fake test hard on purpose."

Fai laughed, delighted at the usual banter between them that made it possible for him to maintain a bit of distance.

,,Well Kuropup, it wouldn't be fun if you didn't get to sweat a little. Besides, don't worry the tests will get harder when we get longer into the year. Just wait till finals; they will make my little test seem like a delicious piece of strawberry cake."

Kurogane didn't exactly look like that made him feel any better.

,,But come on now, my friends are waiting for us." Fai said, taking hold of Kurogane's arm and starting to drag him towards the cafeteria. The raven haired man just grunted and began walking, pulling his arm out of Fais grip, but allowing him to hold on to his hand.

He wasn't really the type to show affection publicly, but he had seen how both girls and boys looked at the blonde idiot, and he felt the need to show them that he belonged to him now.

Hence the reason he glared at everyone who let their eyes linger at Fai for just a moment too long.

Fai noticed the way Kurogane acted, but decided he wouldn't show it; no reason to make him embarrassed now, when he could enjoy it to the fullest when they were alone, and Kurogane wouldn't have to hold back on account of his 'tough guy' reputation.

As they entered the cafeteria and got in line to get food, Fai immediately spotted his friends sitting at their usual table. It seemed like everyone was there, which was good since it meant he only had to do the introduction and explaining once.

At least he had told Sakura, doing one of their classes together, that he would be bringing Kurogane over for lunch, so it wouldn't come as a surprise for any of them, but he still wondered about how they would react.

All too soon, he would get the answer, because all too soon he had paid for his lunch, and again all too soon he was leading Kurogane to the table.

Well here goes nothing.

,,I'm glad for you Fai-san." Sakura said out of the blue, as they sat in their classroom waiting for their teacher.

Fai looked at her surprised; they were in the middle of a conversation about the upcoming biology test they would be facing tomorrow, and what Sakura said just didn't fit in at all.

,,Well thank you it means a lot to me, but I'm afraid I'm not quite following Sakura-chan" he pointed out, though he did have an idea of what she meant.

,,Oh sorry, I guess that was a bit out of context. I meant I'm happy that you're with Kurogane-san. I know I warned you about him at first, but I should have known better than to listen to rumors. He seems nice enough, and he seems like he genuinely care about you." Sakura finished with that little sweet smile on her face that told Fai that to her, Kurogane was already considered a friend.

,,Thank you Sakura-chan, you have no idea how much that means to me." He said, and he meant every word. Sakura was his best friend and if she hadn't liked Kurogane he wasn't sure what he would do.

Luckily he never had to find out; Sakura was a good judge of character and when she befriended someone, it was for life. That was just the kind of person she was.

,,Syaoran seemed quite taken with him too." she continued looking a bit thoughtful, ,,He has been thinking of taking up another kind of martial arts for a while now, and I think he is considering going with kendo. Kurogane-san made quite an impression on him."

Fai didn't have to think up a response to that, 'cause the teacher chose that moment to walk in the door and call the class to order.

,,Okay class settle down. Today we…"

,,Sorry I'm late!" Watanuki cried as he skitted into the classroom, panting with his glasses hanging halfway off his nose.

The teacher just shook his head; this was a daily happening after all. Yuuko really loved to torment her favorite of all her favorites, namely Watanuki, and often gave him odd jobs to do throughout the day that would make him just barely late to class.

It was her strange way of showing affection, Fai guessed.

,,It's fine Watanuki-kun, just sit down and let's get this show on the road!" their teacher said. You could say many things about Sorata-sensei, but he was very easygoing, and the most interesting of their teacher's.

As Sorata-sensei started the class, with his hand-puppet to guide him, Fai leaned over to his left were Watanuki had taken his seat, and started a whispered conversation.

,,So what did you have to do this time?" he asked while his hand absently noted the lecture down.

Watanuki frowned, ,,She wanted me to take some papers all across the grounds to the chemistry room. Then when I was almost there she called me and told me she had handed me the wrong papers by accident. Accident! There was no accident about it! I had to go all the way back, get the right papers, and then all the way across campus. Again! I had to run my legs of to come to class on time and I was still late!"

He ranted silently so they wouldn't disturb the other students, and Sorata-sensei wouldn't notice them. All the while his hand copied Fai movements as they both took notes of a lecture they were only listening to with half an ear.

Fai chuckled slightly, ,,Well that is like her, isn't it? By now I would have guessed you would be accustomed to the way her mind works."

,,Well I was going to check if the papers were the right ones before leaving her office, but she just threw the papers in my arms and ushered me out, telling me to hurry since the papers were needed for the next class. She seemed so serious I didn't even think of questioning her, but looking back I should have known it was just a ruse."

,,Well…" Fai smiled, trying to hold back from laughing so as to not embarrass his friend, as well as not disturb the class, and risk detention, ,, I guess she can be quite convincing when she wants to. However, irresponsible as she is, I don't think she would risk important papers for a lesson to arrive too late. She is after all, mature enough to realize that _that,_ might bring her some unwanted trouble."

Watanuki just groaned, knowing he was right.

Later that day, Fai met up with Sakura and Syaoran so they could rehearse. It wasn't all that often they actually rehearsed, maybe once or twice a week, but they didn't have to; they knew each other's style, and their natural talent enabled them to practice by themselves, but perform together.

However they did need to get a feel of each other's rhythms to make sure they were synchronized. So they had agreed to meet up, and that they did.

They used the schools music room it being spacious and filled with everything they needed. Of course Yuuko didn't mind at all, when three of her favorite students have asked if they could borrow the music room from time to time, she had just tossed them the key and told them to keep it.

The three of them found their respective places in the room, and Fai and Sakura started tuning their instruments while Syaoran set the drums up.

,,Okay, ready?" Fai asked as a pure note was emitted from his guitar. Sakura just strummed a string in response, and Syaoran nodded.

,,Good from the top."

As Syaoran's heavy beats on the drums resounded through the room, a shadow stopped just outside the door, listening intently.

With a small push the door opened just a crack, and brown eyes looked inside, a sly smile playing on his lips as he observed the people in the room. Finally the blonde would get what was coming to him.

Fai listened as Sakura's solo came to an end, took a deep breath and…

BANG

,,Look principal Yuuko. I told you they were breaking the rules, they are not allowed here after school. No one is." Ryuoh's rather smug voice sounded, effectively halting the music in the room. Yuuko stood behind him, looking just slightly annoyed and a little bit amused.

,,Yes so I see. But you now Ryuoh-kun, it isn't really against the rules if I give them permission." Ryuohs eyes widened a bit, and he tried to stutter something out, probably knowing were this was leading, but he was cut off by Yuukos now authoritative voice.

,,However dragging me halfway across campus, and disturbing my favorite students, practicing one of my favorite songs, is against the rules. Tomorrow you'll be cleaning the ladies room during lunch break. You'll need to come by my office first though so you can get your working uniform for that. Oh and don't try to skip out, the consequences will be worse then."

By the end of her speech, Ryuoh's mouth was hanging open and it looked like he couldn't believe the words he had just heard.

,,You can't do that! You're the principal for God's sake." He exclaimed, digging his own grave.

Yuuko's eyes narrowed at his words, and it seemed like the temperature in the room fell drastically.

,,Ryuoh-kun, may I remind you that I am the one in charge of this school. I can do whatever I damn well pleases." Yuuko's voice was dangerous and low, and it seemed even the thickheaded Ryuoh got it this time. He gulped and inched away from the dark aura emanating from the principal, closer to the door.

,,S-sorry principal Yuuko. I'll be at y-your office the moment the bell r-rings tomorrow." He stuttered before ducking out the door, and making his escape.

Yuukos dark aura diminished and she smiled at the three people in the room, who had not said a word since her entrance, opting to just watch the show.

,,Don't mind me children just keep playing. I'll just sit here and listen quietly." _Instead of doing the paperwork _was mentally added by every person in the room.

For the next hour Watanuki could be seen franticly searching the school grounds.

The next day everyone in the school found out exactly what Yuukos punishment for Ryuoh was.

Blushing furiously he was cleaning the ladies rooms, wearing a male version of a maid outfit. But that wasn't the worst part. The male maid outfit was frilly… and startlingly pink. But that wasn't the worst part either.

No the worst part was the furry equally pink dog ears he was wearing on top of his head, and the likewise pink tail attached to his pants.

All in all, the color of his face fit in well with his clothes.

The whole school got a good laugh, and multiple pictures were taken and put up in the various hallways. However though most would have thought Ryuoh to be the kind to blow up in such a situation, he was often times seen with a small hardly suppressed smile of his own when he heard the laughter of his fellow students.

In reality Ryuoh was a person capable of seeing the humor even in jokes made on him.

Fai had thought that after this latest bum, Ryuoh would have given up on getting him in trouble with Yuuko, but strangely enough it seemed it had only fuelled him on. In the following weeks, he was often disturbed by Ryuoh in whatever he was doing, and the next day you could always find Ryuoh in the middle of some kind of punishment.

By then the whole school had gotten hold of what was going on, and every time someone caught Ryuoh dragging Yuuko along with him, bets were made for what kind of punishment he would receive next.

It was quickly becoming the In thing at the school.

Of course by then it was also common knowledge that Fai and Kurogane was an item. That the honor student Fai had gotten together with a delinquent, even if he _was _the captain of the kendo team, had shocked the entire student body.

Of course it hadn't shocked them as much as what had happened as a result.

There were a few of the really bad delinquents at the school who didn't fear Yuuko, and didn't back down from harming one of her favorites, and luck would have it that Kurogane had fought them a while back, beating them good.

Now, quite predictably, they wanted revenge, and they had finally found Kurogane's weak point: Fai.

One day were Fai was surprisingly enough alone, doing something for Yuuko in the lunch hour, three of the said delinquents cornered him, grinning broadly and cracking their knuckles, the cliché image of a brain-dead bully about to attack.

Of course Fai, being the _perfect_ peacemaker, tried to talk his way out with a few _well placed_ comments, but to his _utter shock_ it just infuriated them more.

Now that wasn't what shocked everyone so much, actually they more or less expected it since Fai had decided to date _that_ Kurogane, it was what happened _next _that made jaws drop.

Everyone had expected Kurogane to play the knight in shining armor and save his boyfriend, but as it turned out, Fai didn't need saving.

No one had _ever _thought that, _that _slim, fragile looking body could knock out three well muscled, close to two meters tall, fight happy men in less than two minutes; without even getting a scratch.

That was the last time anyone picked a fight with him.

Kurogane wasn't quite certain whether to be pleased or annoyed at the moment. On one hand, the teacher had been weeks late in returning their history test corrected, which pissed him of, but on the other hand he had gotten an A.

There was only one thing he was sure of: he was going to show this to Fai.

They were having a bet: if Kurogane got an A, Fai would treat him to dinner. If he got below an A he would treat Fai to dinner.

There was just one little thing in the way of showing Fai the result, and getting his well earned dinner with his boyfriend: said boyfriend hadn't showed up in school today.

He wasn't all that worried about him, after all everyone got sick sometime, but he did find it weird that Fai hadn't even sent him a text message.

So he decided to go pay Fai a visit later, after school.

Fai was having the worst day of his life. Okay it wasn't that bad, since he had had some pretty bad days before, but it was the worst day since he had met Kurogane at least.

Last night when he had been about to close down the club, something went wrong with the system, and he ended up having to stay there until four.

When he finally came home, he had resolved to just not go to sleep, seeing as he wouldn't get much more than an hour or two before having to get up anyway, so he just settled down for a moment in his chair. The soft comfortable one. And he had closed his eyes just for a second, not even feeling particularly tired.

And so he had fallen asleep, without his alarm to wake him since he wasn't planning to.

Disaster.

In these couple of weeks, his nightmares had withdrawn a bit. They hadn't disappeared all together, but they had lessened in severity. Well now they were back with a vengeance.

He had slept for eleven hours straight, every second filled with the worst of his nightmares. When he finally awoke it was only because the bile in his throat threatened to choke him.

He was now standing in his bathroom, shivering with cold sweat running down his face, and nausea still rolling in his stomach.

In his right hand he held his usual knife, and he placed the quivering edge above his left arm. Images kept playing before his mind: white walls, silence, haunting blue eyes, red splattered walls, a knife, fire…

The images cut of as he drew the knife down on his arm, making a long, but rather shallow cut. He could feel the warm blood sliding down his arm, and kept his closed. Seeing the blood would only make it worse.

Bam Bam Bam.

Fai froze as he heard the knocking on his front door, and he quickly thought through who it could be. Seeing as the only two who had ever been in his apartment was Doumeki and Kurogane, it seemed quite clear who it was.

He frantically started washing his arm, getting the blood off, and at the same time stay quiet so Kurogane would think he wasn't there.

He really didn't want him to know.

,,Fai? Come on, I know you're there, I could see the lights were on from the street." Kuroganes voice sounded through the door, slightly muffled.

_Damn._ Fai thought, turning of the water and pressing a towel against the wound. He knew Kurogane wouldn't leave until he had answered the door.

,,C-coming." He called, not quite succeeding in keeping his voice calm.

Kurogane frowned, he hadn't really been worried before, but something in Fai's tone of voice made him feel on edge.

Fai quickly made his way to the door, keeping the towel pressed firmly on the cut so as to stop the bleeding.

Then he opened the door, holding his arm behind his back.

Kuroganes frown grew the moment he laid his eyes on; he looked like hell. He was sweating and shivering, and his normal pale color looked almost sickeningly white. He almost looked translucent.

,,God Fai, are you okay?" he asked. He knew it was out of character for him to sound so worried, but Fai looked about ready to pass out.

,,I'm fine Kuromin. I'm just having a little cold." It was obviously a lie, and Kurogane almost felt sick when he saw that fake smile on his face. Did Fai seriously think he deceived anyone with that mask?

He opened his mouth to tell Fai to stop pretending, when his whole body stiffened. A coppery kind of smell clung to his boyfriend; a smell he was all too able to recocknize.

With a low growl he pushed the door open all the way, and strode inside the apartment, ignoring Fais weak protests.

He quickly searched every room, looking for whoever had caused _his _Fai to bleed, but found no one. And then he entered the bathroom.

He took a moment to take in the scene of the room before him, before he quickly went up to Fai, and took a hold of his arm.

They were both silent while Kurogane looked at the already healing cut on Fais arm. Then Kurogane fixed his intense crimson orbs on Fais azure ones.

,,You cut."

**A/N: please review this chapter, it will most probably ensure a quicker update, since even just short reviews makes me wanna write :) **

**Btw: I'll probably change the name of this fic to scars… I think… **


	8. explanation

**A/N: this chapter is a bit shorter than usual, but I needed it to stop there to preserve the general atmosphere. And sorry if Kurogane seem a little ooc here, he was being kinda difficult.**

Different feelings were warring inside Kurogane at the moment. He was angry; at Fai for cutting, for not being strong enough to not do it. But also at himself; he loathed himself for not noticing something, anything.

He had seen the signs; he just hadn't connected the dots.

The second feeling was concern. A deep, burning concern in the pit of his stomach. If Fai had looked like hell when he had answered the door, it was nothing against what he looked like now. His eyes were glazed and the shivering had intensified, he looked as though he was about ready to keel over any moment now.

Kurogane sighed and made an internal list of priority: help Fai first, _then_ get angry.

He grabbed hold of Fai's shoulders, maybe a bit tighter than he had in mind, to get his attention. Fai actually flinched a bit, but he looked at Kurogane though he didn't meet his eyes.

,,Where are the first aid kit?" Kurogane asked. Fai looked rather like a lost child at the moment, and he unconsciously tightened his hold.

,,… wha…?" it was almost inaudible, just a whisper of breath as it passed pale lips, but Kurogane heard it.

,,The first aid. Where?" he repeated, starting to feel really worried now. Until a moment ago Fai had at least been coherent enough to try lying, to fake smile, but now…

What was wrong with him? He had changed the moment Kurogane had found out about his secret, but why? What was the reason?

And then it hit him. It was the third feeling inside of him; the only thing he knew for sure could immobilize Fai. It was hurt. He was feeling hurt, knowing that Fai would rely more on the edge of a knife, than he would his own boyfriend.

And Fai could see that.

He could see the hurt in Kuroganes eyes.

Fai closed his eyes, his breathing hitching in his throat, and he was reeling on his legs. ,,The bathroom."

,,Huh?" was all Kurogane could say distractedly.

,,First aid. In the bathroom, in the cupboard under the sink."

By now, he was swaying dangerously on his feet, and Kurogane found himself with an armful of Fai, as he caught him, falling. He quickly lifted him up in his arms, and carried him to the sofa, sitting him down gently.

Fai seemed so fragile right now, much more so than Kurogane would have ever thought his bubble head of a boyfriend could, and he didn't like it.

When Fai was safely situated, Kurogane made his way back to the bathroom, hurrying as he wasn't all too comfortable with leaving Fai alone in his condition.

Once he entered the bathroom however, he had to pause as nausea hit him. The sight of the bathroom itself wasn't all too bad, it was more the thought of what had caused the blood in the sink, that made his stomach turn.

Wrinkling his nose in dislike, he walked up to the sink and bended down to open the cupboard. Just as he reached out to the handles, his eyes caught sight of something that made his blood run cold; the knife.

It was lying there, on the floor next to sink. Slowly he reached for it, not really wanting to touch it, but feeling the need to see the object that had caused Fai harm, and he lifted it up of the floor, by his thumb and forefinger only.

He couldn't tear his eyes away from the blade. It was glinting in the light, blood dripping to the floor from the tip, running along the edge. The very _sharp_ edge.

It felt as though his heart had dropped down into his stomach. The knife edge was so _sharp._ One wrong move, one cut without proper control, and Fai could bleed to death.

It was almost a miracle Fai hadn't cut deeper than he had, seeing the condition he was in.

Remembering Fai, Kurogane quickly let go of the knife, and opened the cupboard. After retrieving the First aid kit, he grabbed a towel, wet it and went back to the living room.

Fai was still sitting exactly where he had left him, in exactly the same position. He kneeled in front of him, and gently took hold of his arm, washing the blood of it with utmost care, as to not irritate the cut. As he worked he glanced up at Fais face, seeing a different kind of mask on his boyfriend.

This mask was not one of smiles and laughter. This mask was one of no emotions, not unlike the one Doumeki wore on a daily basis.

He almost didn't look like Fai anymore.

When he had washed of the blood, he cleaned the cut, earning a quiet hiss from Fai at the stinging. Just to be on the safe side, Kurogane wrapped it up with a bandage too.

As he gently wrapped the gauze around his arm, Kurogane noticed something he had never noticed before; across Fais arm were slim, pale scars.

Horror and amazement welled up inside him at the sight; horror because of the number of scars, amazement at how well they fit in with Fai. The natural lightness of Fai's skin and the scars slight size, made them almost invisible.

There were only three scars that stood out, obviously deeper and newer than the others. As he watched the three scars, a scene played over and over in his head: Fai sitting in the dojo, scratching his bandaged left arm.

Fai had said he had accidently cut himself at work, but even then Kurogane had his suspicions about the explanation.

He mentally kicked himself for not noticing it when it was that obvious. He had always known that Fai was really a lot more fragile than he seemed, but Fai's physical strength had blinded him to his unsteady mental strength.

,,sorry" It was barely a whisper, almost nothing but the sound of a breath, but still Kurogane heard it.

,,…If you're gonna be sorry, you shouldn't have done it in the first place." Kurogane answered, a slightly bitter tone sneaking its way into his voice.

,,I'm sorry." Fai repeated like a broken record, but at least this time it had a bit of volume behind it.

,,Then mind telling me why you did it?"

Fai nodded, closing his eyes. Kurogane at least deserved to know that, even though he didn't really want him to.

,,I had a nightmare. Even when I woke up, I couldn't escape from it. It stayed inside my head, inside my mind, and I had to get rid of it. It felt like I was going insane. So I did the only thing I know I could do, to awake completely. I found something else, something real to focus on. I found the pain."

Fais voice was hoarse and tired, like he had already given up. Given up what, Kurogane wasn't sure, but it gave him a bad feeling.

,,What kind of nightmare?" He knew it was a stupid thing to do, to ask Fai to relive the nightmare that caused him to go to such extremes just to forget about it. But he felt it was important. He felt that if he didn't get to the bottom of this, he would be losing Fai.

And so he carried on with the question.

,,…It was… about my past." Fai reluctantly said.

Kurogane felt something he had rarely ever felt before; fear. Not for himself, but for his blonde boyfriend who looked halfway dead already. If Fais past was bad enough to give him that kind of nightmares, then Kurogane wasn't entirely sure he wanted to hear about it.

But if it could help Fai, he would listen to anything the idiot had to say.

,,Will you tell me about it?" he asked, knowing it could make it easier for Fai to talk about it.

Fai stayed silent for a long while, looking at him as though searching his very soul. His blue eyes suddenly seemed much older than his seventeen year old body, and for the first time Kurogane noticed the dark bags beneath them.

Thinking back, Fai always had bags under his eyes, he just never seemed to notice them. Fai's bubbly nature always made him seem so full of energy, that it was almost inconceivable that he would ever be tired.

Finally Fai nodded his consent.

,,What do you know about my parents, Kuropii?" He asked. Kurogane raised his brows at the question, but searched his brain for the information.

,,Well I don't know anything definitive. At school, word has it you're an orphan, but aside from that nothing."

Fai smiled, a small sad smile that seemed almost quivering.

,,Yes. I am an orphan. My mother died in childbirth. But the reason for my nightmares is something that happened a little over a year ago. When my father, Ashura, died. Or rather, when he was murdered."

_Fai was sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework, while Ashura was making dinner humming beneath his breath. It was a normal day by any means, nothing felt out of place, until the humming stopped._

_Fai looked up wondering what had made Ashura stop, when he saw his father looking out the kitchen window, jaw clenched._

_,,Fai go to your room." It was very uncharacteristic of Ashura to sound so demanding, but Fai didn't question it. he started up the stairs, but paused outside his room. He never really did like his room. It was a normal room by any means, filled with books and movies and the like, but it just didn't seem real somehow._

_Instead of going to his own room as Ashura had said, Fai chose to enter his father's room. It shouldn't be a problem right? Whatever made Ashura want him away from the kitchen, it just meant he had to stay at the first floor._

_With that thought in mind he opened the door directly across from his own, and went to sit on the bed._

_That was his first mistake._

_Not long after he had sat down, did he hear noise downstairs. He got a little worried and went to the door, trying to figure out what was going on._

_When he looked outside, he felt his blood turn to ice. Ashura was being dragged up the stairs by the collar of his shirt, the man dragging him looking agitated. _

_They were speaking, though it was in hushed tones, so he couldn't distinguish the words, but it was clear they were not agreeing._

_Fai saw them come towards the door, and quickly withdrew from it, cursing himself for not being in his own room._

_He had to hide, now, before they entered the room and found him. He almost ran to the closet, opened the doors and threw himself in, only just managing to close it again as the door to the room was burst open, and the two men emerged._

_Fai hadn't closed the closet completely, leaving a small line of air between the two doors so he could still see what was going on._

_That was his second mistake._

,,The man killed my father. I don't know why he did it, nor do I wanna know I just want to forget it. But I can't forget; even now I can recall every single detail of what happened. How the knife seemed to appear from out of nowhere, how he slit his throat to make sure he didn't make any noise. The cut wasn't too deep, father didn't die immediately by it, but it made him unable to say anything to alert me, who he thought was in my own room, to what was going on."

Fai broke off, his voice quivering and eyes unfocused.

,,I wanted to do something, to jump out and save my father. At that moment I even wanted to kill the man taking my father away from me. But I just couldn't. It was like my legs were frozen to the spot, unable to move. I couldn't even make a sound. The moment the blood began to spill I was hardly even able to breathe. I could only watch as a man I had never seen before killed my father in his own room."

Kurogane was holding Fai's hand, not even seeming to realize he was playing with his fingers while listening to the story.

He knew it must have been terrible to see something like that, but still he felt there was something more beneath it, a deeper reason to Fai's nightmares. And he was right.

,,But just killing my father wasn't enough." Kurogane stopped breathing, as those two words left Fai's mouth, barely a whisper.

,,He took the knife… and slid it down the abdomen. By then father had already died, but just before he took his last breath, do you know what he did? He looked straight at me. Even in death his eyes didn't leave mine, and I couldn't look away from his. The worst part of it though, was that the look of horror on his face had nothing to do with him dying. He only looked that way once he had seen me."

Fai's voice was now strangely dead.

,,But the man didn't care that he was already dead, that he could no longer feel what he did to him. I remember every stroke of the knife, the way the blood welled out and how…"

,,Enough!" Kurogane interrupted, not wanting to hear more. He could see how every word coming out of his boyfriend's mouth killed him from the inside.

Fai blinked and suddenly focused his eyes again, as though he just remembered he wasn't alone.

,,After he had left, I called the police. I didn't tell them that I saw what had happened, just that I had found father dead, and had seen the man leave the house. They believed me. They made me see a shrink for a while after that, to help me get over what had happened, but at that time I couldn't stand being in the same room as anyone. I just wanted to be alone. It's thanks to my shrink that I'm able to live for myself even though I'm not legal yet, he convinced them that it was the best for me. All my living expenses are paid by the state until I turn eighteen, but they still check up on me every now and again."

Fai's voice had turned hoarse, and Kurogane's head was swirling with the new information.

,,How can they let you live alone, when this is the result?" He asked holding up Fais bandaged arm. Fai shook his head sadly.

,,They don't know about it. Only one person apart from you and me know that I cut, and he has promised me not tell anyone."

Kurogane was silent at that, feeling a new and completely irrational feeling: jealousy. How could he be jealous now of all times?

,,Who." It was a statement more than a question.

,,…Doumeki. He found out by chance, much like how you found out actually." Fai was silent for a bit after saying that, then he asked a question that had been stuck in his head ever since Kurogane had entered his apartment.

,,Do you hate me now?" His voice was quiet and subdued, like he already knew the answer, but just asked the question from formality.

Kurogane furrowed his brows, not liking the tone of Fai's voice one bit.

,,No, I don't hate you." Fai's head snapped up at this, a fragile hope lighted his eyes as Kurogane continued. ,,But Fai, this has to stop. That knife's edge was so sharp it could have easily killed you. I wouldn't trust you with such a knife when you're in your right mind, and handling it while panicked is downright suicidal. I'm not gonna just stand here and watch as you endanger yourself like that."

Fai lowered his head again, feeling ashamed and depressed.

,,I'm not sure I can stop Kurotin." He whispered in a dead voice.

,,Yes you can. I'll help you. Whenever you have a nightmare or a need to cut, just call me. I'll come over and keep you from it. I promise Fai, I will protect you, even from yourself."

,,… Okay, I'll try." But Kurogane could hear what wasn't being said, and he knew Fai wouldn't call him.

,,Fai promise me you'll call me, no matter what the time is, no matter if it's in the middle of the night, or while I'm at school, just call me. Promise." Kurogane wasn't used to talking so much, but he could tell Fai needed it.

Finally Fai nodded his consent, and Kurogane relaxed. Though Fai had no trouble lying, Kurogane knew he would never break a promise.

,,Good. Now I'm gonna clean up the bathroom, and throw that knife away, and then you're going to my place for the night."

,,What?"

And with that, half an hour later Fai found himself sitting in Kurogane's living room, watching a movie while cuddling with his boyfriend.

However sooner or later it became time to sleep. At first Kurogane was gonna make the sofa for himself to sleep on, so Fai could get the bed, but Fai refused to let Kurogane sleep anywhere but on his bed. Then he was gonna make the sofa for Fai, since he thought he would be uncomfortable sleeping on the same bed as him, but once again Fai surprised him.

,,Um actually, Kurorin? I was wondering if… you know… if it would be okay… to… you know… share your bed?" for all of ten seconds, all Kurogane could do was stare. Then he got a grip on himself and snapped back to the world of the living.

,,Well come on then, idiot." He snorted, but couldn't quite hide the slight blush adorning his cheeks.

But as Fai lay there, beside Kurogane, he couldn't help but think back to what he had told him hours ago. It hadn't all been the truth, and it wasn't even half the reason of those nightmares, but he just wasn't ready to tell everything.

And even though it was far from being complete, the little part of his past he had shared with Kurogane made him feel better, lighter, as if a heavy weight lying upon his shoulders had been lightened.

Still he was feeling guilty and a bit restless, but when an arm snaked its way across his waist, as if by a miracle, all of those thoughts disappeared, and he fell into a peaceful sleep, even in dreams feeling that weight around his waist.

They had both conveniently forgotten that tomorrow was another school day.

**A/N: and that's the end of this chapter^^ the next one might take a little time since I'm not quite sure exactly what's gonna happen in it, and I have another story I have to update on too, but I'll get it out as quickly as possible.**

**Please Review, and you're welcome to come with suggestions of what should be in future chapters if you want. I'll include it if it fits with the plot^^ as always constructive criticism is welcome :) **


	9. Reflection

**A/N: Sorry for the wait, I present now this next installment of Fill the silence.**

* * *

Fai awoke slowly as he felt the warm rays of the sun on the back of his neck. He yawned, but kept his eyes closed not quite ready to let go of his dreams… wait.

He sat up quickly, his eyes scanning the room trying to figure out what had happened. He wanted to sleep? That was a new one; Fai honestly couldn't remember the last time he had been reluctant to get out of bed.

,,mmnm." It was only an incoherent mumble, but it brought back the memories from the past day, and Fai slowly relaxed again.

He laid down and turned to look at Kuroganes sleeping face. He couldn't help a small smile as even in his sleep, Kurogane retained that usual frown on his face, though it was a lot more relaxed than normal.

Still smiling he snuggled closer to his boyfriend, breathing in the scent that was Kurogane and just enjoying this lazy morning in bed…

,,Shit!" Fai bolted up again, this time effectively waking Kurogane with his loud outburst.

,,What? what happened?" Kurogane sat up too, eyes quickly scanning the room.

,,Were late! God its already midday, school is already halfway through! If we don't hurry…" Fai cut of when he felt Kuroganes arm snake around his waist, and dragging him down on the bed again.

,,Stop worrying Idiot. Since were already this late, there's no point in going now."

Fai hesitated, weighing the pros and the cons of the situation, before relaxing against Kuroganes chest again. He had already skipped school the day before, what did it matter if he stayed home an extra day?

,,I think you're corrupting me Kuro-wan." He said as he nuzzled his nose against the others neck. Kurogane growled low in his throat, but without his usual aggression; he found it a bit hard to stay mad at Fai, when he nuzzled him like that.

He could feel the light breath of his boyfriend along his collarbone, and it distracted him from whatever Fai was saying, so he decided to change that.

Readjusting their position a bit, he lowered his mouth and kissed Fai, just a light little morning kiss to hide how much the blonde affected him.

Fai kissed back, and another kiss joined the first as a light blush spread across his cheeks. No matter how many times they kissed, Fai would still blush as though it was the first.

Kurogane smirked a bit into the kiss, as he changed their position so he was towering over his boyfriend, keeping their lips locked in the process.

Fai buried his hands in the raven strands and pulled his boyfriend closer.

The kisses grew deeper and longer, and without noticing Kurogane had already slid his hands down Fai's sides, and were now moving them under his shirt.

Fai gasped as he felt warm hands against his skin, breaking the kiss and staring Kurogane.

Kurogane stiffened as he found his hands already on their way up Fai's stomach, and looked a bit wide eyed at his boyfriend.

Both knew if they continued now, there would be no going back; they would go all the way.

Kuroganes eyes softened as he looked at Fai, noticing the uncertain and slightly nervous look in his eyes. He let his hands linger on his stomach, showing it was Fai's choice whether to continue or to stop.

Fai searched Kuroganes face, knowing he was leaving decision to him. He could feel butterflies flapping in his stomach, just below Kuroganes hands, and his heart was beating fast, but that was all.

Though a little nervous, Fai didn't feel scared at all, and that was the deciding factor. With a little smile he reached up and pulled Kurogane down.

* * *

Fai sighed for umpteenth time that day. Yesterday had been perfect, like a little bit of paradise had been inserted into his life, to make that one day the best day of his life. He had felt complete, safe and happy, spending the entire day with Kurogane, and not thinking of anything except his boyfriend.

But now reality was back, knocking on the door and bringing with it all the problems he had managed to forget for one glorious day.

Kurogane knew now. He knew that Fai cut, and he knew the one secret Fai had never told anyone before. Not even Doumeki, when he found out about the cutting. Not even the police, when they investigated Ashura's murder.

Kurogane was the only person who knew Fai had witnessed the death of his father.

He had withheld that information because he feared what would happen to him, were the police to know.

As far as the police knew, he had only seen a stranger running out of their house, and then found Ashura in a pool of his own blood, big wounds marring his body. Just that was enough to bring him countless sessions with a psychiatrist.

Had they known he had witnessed the whole thing, he would not only have to recount every second of it, again and again as an important witness, he would also most likely end up in one of their special institutes for children who had experienced severe physical or psychological traumas.

Fai hadn't been very fond of the prospect of being watched all hours of the day and labeled suicidal. Cause he wasn't. He hadn't been then, and he wasn't now.

Telling Kurogane the whole truth had been… scary. But in some way it had also been a great relief. He had told the lie so many times he had almost forgotten the truth, and though it hurt to reopen the past like that, it had been a good kinda pain. It wasn't the sharp, demanding pain like when he cut; it was like the pain when you take out a splinter. It hurts, but at the same time you know it's good for you, cause now you can start healing.

It was strange, he had only known Kurogane for a couple of weeks, but already he was telling him about his past, which he had so fervently locked up before, already he was letting the man get closer to him than any other.

It was strange, and it was scary.

The two times in his life he had let people close to him, really close to him, horrible things had happened to them. And now, in a moment of weakness he had let Kurogane closer than any of them.

What if the same thing happened again? How could he do that to Kurogane, expose him to danger like that without even warning him? He couldn't. He couldn't take the risk of Kurogane getting hurt or even worse die.

But he couldn't do anything to stop it. He was cursed. He must be! After all that was what that man had said, while standing amongst the roaring fire.

He was a cursed human being. But he hadn't believed it, Ashura had made him not believe it, but look what happened to him! He hadn't believed in the curse, and now Kurogane would pay for it.

But it wasn't only Kurogane, Fai realized. Feeling a cold hand take hold of his heart, he remembered how close he had allowed Sakura-chan and Syaoran and Doumeki and Watanuki to come.

His heart sped up while pictures flashed through his mind: Sakura, bloody and beaten, Syaoran, with a knife in his heart, Watanuki, lying on the ground covered in cuts, and Doumeki, impaled by his own arrows.

Fai could feel himself starting to hyperventilate and he felt dizzy. He gripped the edge of the table tightly, trying to dispel the pictures he knew were not real.

But he couldn't. More pictures joined the first ones, and Fai could hardly even make out the surroundings anymore. He saw Sakura getting stabbed, Watanuki pushed out of a window, Doumeki…

,,Fai-san? Are you okay? You're really pale."

The pictures faded from his mind, and Sakura's face, her real face clean of blood and pain, appeared in front of his eyes.

,,Wha…?" Fai asked noticing the concern on his friends face. A look around showed him that they were in the middle of a class, and Sakura wasn't the only one staring at him.

,,Are you still sick? Should I take you to the school nurse?" Sakura asked, gently putting a hand to his forehead, not sure if he would allow it or not.

He should pull away Fai knew that. He had already let her to close, and he should pull away lest she suffered the same fate as the Sakura he had just seen in his head.

But he couldn't get himself to do it. Her hand was so cool and nice against his forehead, and he felt like he would break if he didn't have just this basic human closeness right now.

God he was weak. He couldn't even do what he knew was right.

As if sensing his need for contact, Sakura carefully put her arms around him, noticing for the first time that he was shaking. She half expected him to pull away, but was pleasantly surprised when he instead leaned into her touch.

She looked up at Sorata-sensei to ask permission to take Fai to the school nurse, but he had already opened the door and just nodded as he read her intentions.

With gentle coaxing Sakura managed to get Fai on his legs, and led him through the hallways to the infirmary.

* * *

In another classroom, Kurogane was busy ignoring the lecture, and thinking of Fai. Yesterday Fai had been different from how he normally was, as if someone had taken away the very past, and let him focus on only the present.

It wasn't that he acted all that different, it had just all been genuine. He had not smiled even one false smile, had not hid behind a mask for even just a moment.

He had been Fai, nothing else. And Kurogane longed to see that person again. To see Fai without his worries.

But he knew he wouldn't, at least not yet. Maybe in time, when Fai trusted him enough, would he lower his defenses, but it wouldn't be easy.

Kurogane knew that getting Fai to open up completely would be a long, tough fight.

Yesterday had been like they were living in their own little bubble, he almost chuckled when he remembered how Fai had slept on his stomach, face down, but when morning came the bubble was gone.

And now he had to start thinking about his problems.

The number one problem was getting Fai to stop cutting, but he knew it wouldn't be easy. Yes he had made him swear to call him whenever he felt the need to cut, but he knew his boyfriend well enough to know, he wouldn't. He would just find a more effective way to hide it when he slipped.

That was Fai in a nutshell; not wanting to inconvenience others even when they asked him to.

He had to find a way to predict when Fai would be most likely to cut, and then take it from there. However he knew Fai wouldn't tell him, probably couldn't even if he wanted to. He would have to talk to someone who knew about Fai's cutting, but still had the point of view of an outsider.

He would have to talk to Doumeki.

* * *

Fai stared up at the ceiling in the infirmary, thoughts swirling around in his head, confusing him. Some part of him wanted to keep believing he wasn't cursed, that such a thing didn't even exist. But then, how did he explain how everyone he cared for ended up dead?

True it _had _only happened twice, and could just be a coincidence, but those two were _the only _ones he had ever cared for that much.

Until now, that is.

A sick kind of fear had settled in his stomach, and a smooth sweet voice seemed to change every word he thought into something else.

'Curses don't exist. Everyone knows that. I can't be cursed, cause curses don't exist.' He thought.

'Yes_.' _A voice seemed to say. '_Everyone knows curses don't exist, so it must be true. Just like everyone knew the earth was flat, and the center of the universe.' _

'But that's different' Fai thought though he didn't feel convinced.

'_Ah yes, different. Because back then everyone was stupid, right? But not now. Now everyone is smart, and everyone knows curses don't exist. All of those poor people who were burned at the stake, all for nothing since the curses they tried to cast don't exist. But then, why were everybody afraid of them.'_

'What?' Fai hardly even noticed he had begun a conversation in his own head.

'_You're a smart kid; you know all superstition has some kinda root. A beginning. An undeniable fact. People wouldn't be afraid of curses if they hadn't had a proof.'_

Fai's heartbeat sped up, his breathing hitched in his throat and he could feel himself start to shake again.

'_You know it's true. Curses do exist, and you're undeniably cursed. Cursed from birth, with a face and name you have taken from another. You are nothing more than a demon, a monster. You have never been human in the first place.'_

,,not human." It was barely a whisper, and Fai closed his eyes as he felt tears press.

'I'm not a human. I'm just a monster wearing the face of a human.'

,,_Stop it Fai, you're not more of a monster than I am." _

Fai's eyes flew open at the soft yet stern voice. This time it wasn't a voice he heard in his head, no, it was a memory.

A memory of a time he had uttered almost the exact same words.

_,,I'm a monster Ashura-san, a monster with a stolen face. I don't deserve to be here!" A very young Fai said, tears running down his cheeks as he tried, without luck, to get away from Ashura's gentle hug._

_He didn't deserve such gentleness, didn't deserve any of the things Ashura tried to give him; a home, a family a new life._

_After all, he was nothing more than a monster. A cursed one at that._

_,,Stop it Fai, you're not more of a monster than I am. Actually quite the opposite, you're one of the most innocent children I have ever met. And you didn't steal that face, you were born with it."_

_Ashura managed to calm him down, if just a little, but he was still crying, even if he had stopped struggling. _

_,,it doesn't matter if I'm a monster or not, I'm still cursed. You shouldn't get near me Ashura-san, I'll end up killing you too." He sobbed now, starting to struggle again as he remembered the words that man had thrown at him such a short time ago._

_He could still hear the words reverberate in his head, could still hear the sound of hungry flames as his past consumed itself around him._

_,,What are you're saying Fai? Of course you're not cursed! What happened wasn't your fault; it was the fault of those people daring to call themselves your pa…"_

_,,Stop it!" Fai screeched, pressing both hands to his ears. ,,I don't want to hear it."_

_Ashura stared for a moment at the still sobbing child in his arms. Fai had given up on struggling against him, and was slowly wearing himself out by crying._

_,,Fai, listen to me." Ashura said, gently grabbing his chin to get him to face him. ,,_You _are not a monster; Neither are you cursed. You're just a child. A confused, scared and traumatized child, but a child nonetheless. I want you to stay with me. I want to help you heal the scars on your soul. Please let me."_

_Ashura knew he used big words for a small child, and that Fai most probably couldn't understand exactly what he meant, but it didn't matter. Fai had already fallen asleep halfway through his little speech, but Ashura had continued anyway. The last part was directed more to himself anyway._

_But even in his sleep, Fai had heard the words, and though he was too young to fully understand them, they settled somewhere in his heart._

Fai blinked as the memory once again faded from the foremost of his mind. At that time, Ashura had succeded in convincing Fai that he wasn't a monster, and that he wasn't cursed, but didn't what happened to Ashura exactly prove he had been wrong?

But on the other hand, although he hadn't let them as near, after Ashura's death he had befriended Sakura, Syaoran, Watanuki and Doumeki, and nothing had happened to them. That is if you ignore the fact that Watanuki was more or less tortured every day by Yuuko-san in the name of love.

Confusion filled Fai as the sweet voice in his head, mixed with the memory of Ashura, and he could no longer distinguish what was what. Was he cursed or not? Should he leave Kurogane?

Questions swamped his mind, and he decided he had enough. He would have to do the one thing he would always do when he couldn't find his answer.

With that thought in mind Fai left the bed and made his way out of the infirmary.

* * *

Kurogane had never been to the archery range, but now that he stood in front of the entrance he wondered why that was.

The archery range was big, very _very _big. The school prided itself on its outstanding archery club, but really, this was almost ridiculous. Then he remembered that it was Yuuko who was principal, and it suddenly made sense.

He hadn't really talked much to Fai's friends before, and never without his slightly eccentric boyfriend present, but he knew that Doumeki was the captain of the archery club.

Though 'club' might not be the right word.

With a shrug he entered looking for the stone faced captain that would hopefully be able to answer his questions.

What he saw however, stopped him dead in his tracks, as his eyes immediately zoomed in on a person fair-haired person, standing straight and drawing an arrow.

He watched with baited breath, as Fai drew back his arm, and let go of the arrow, in one smooth movement. The arrow hit the target straight through the bulls' eye.

In a heartbeat, another arrow was on drawn, and released, and it hit barely a millimeter from the first one. Kurogane couldn't tear his eyes away from his boyfriend, as he stood there in perfect balance. He seemed strong and steady lie a rock, but at the same time fragile, like a soft breeze was all it would take to break him.

Kurogane was about to go to him, when a hand landed on his shoulder.

,,Leave him. He needs it." Kurogane locked eyes with the archery captain, and for one long second they stared each other down, before Kurogane huffed and turned away.

,,I wanted to talk to you. Got time?" It was a bit gruff, but Kurogane didn't really feel up to fake politeness.

Doumeki didn't say anything; he just regarded him for a moment before nodding toward a door, signaling him to follow.

With a last glance at Fai who hadn't even noticed him, Kurogane followed Doumeki through the door, into what looked like an office.

For a while they only looked at each other, Doumeki waiting, and Kurogane not sure how to start the conversation.

Finally Kurogane was about to open his mouth, when he was interrupted.

,,Fai told you." It was a statement, not a question.

,,Yeah." Kurogane nodded. ,,How did you guess that?"

Doumeki sighed, fixing his eyes slightly to the side.

,,Fai only comes here, when there is something he can't figure out." Was his only answer.

Kurogane furrowed his brow.

,,I thought that was what the cutting was for."

Doumeki turned his eyes to him once again, raising one of his brows just slightly.

,,Have you ever had any experience with cutters? I mean before Fai?"

,,No." Kurogane answered not liking where this was going. He had a feeling he would quite stupid soon.

,,Fai cut's when he wants to clear his mind. He practices archery when he wants to focus his thoughts."

,,So in short, he cuts when want to forget, and he shoots when he wants to remember?" Kurogane asked while leaning slightly on the door.

,,Something like that."

Kurogane frowned; this conversation didn't really seem to move along as he wanted it. He decided to start asking his questions.

,,You should go ask Watanuki." Kurogane closed his mouth again as Doumeki's comment took him off guard.

,,What?" he asked feeling himself frown.

,,Watanuki. He can answer your questions better."

,,…But Fai only said that you know about it."

Doumeki shrugged his face as emotionless as ever.

,,Watanuki guessed it. I don't know if he has confronted him about ityet, but he knows."

,,Oh." Was all Kurogane said, then: ,,Do you know where he is?"

,,Yuuko." And that was the only answer he got. Doumeki seemed to think the name in itself was enough explanation, and thinking back on what Fai had told him about the principal, it probably was.

,,Thanks." He said over his shoulder, as he was already out the door. He didn't receive an answer.

_

* * *

Breathe in _draw back, aim, _breathe out, _let go.

Fai watched with only half an eye, as the arrow dug into the little red dot while his mind was a million different places all at once.

His thoughts were finally clear, no more voices, no more memories, just him and the bow. Unlike in the infirmary, nothing was confusing anymore. He knew all the facts, now he just had to connect the dots and see what they created.

As he sent another arrow on its way, he knew he had his answer.

**

* * *

A/N: That's it for now, please review and I'll try to get the next one up quicker.**


	10. Answers

**A/N: and finally, here is the next chapter! **

* * *

It was a nice day out, blue sky, small white puffy clouds and the sound of birds singing, and Watanuki was, once again, stuck inside running errands for Yuuko. Why, oh why did the gods hate him so?

Watanuki sighed as he made his way up the stairs, equipment for the photography club in his arms. Why did he have to bring it to them? He wasn't even in the goddamn club! They should have just come get it themselves.

But of course Yuuko didn't tell them to do that. Why would she, when it was a perfect opportunity to torture Watanuki some more?

He grumbled as he finally got to dump the equipment in the room, hoping he would finally be allowed to leave school for today. Though, knowing Yuuko, he probably still had at least another half an hour worth of errands to do before he could leave.

,,Oi." A voice, slightly familiar called from behind him, and Watanuki turned to see who had called out. He saw Kurogane walking toward him, hands in his pockets and usual scowl in place, but something was different about him. He seemed… faraway.

,,Oh, hello Kurogane-san." Watanuki said while bowing politely. Kurogane just nodded.

,,Can I talk to you for a minute?" He said indicating with a toss of his head towards an empty classroom.

,,Sure." Watanuki followed the taller man inside, closing the door behind him, as he felt Kurogane's need for privacy. He looked closely at one of his best friend's boyfriend, and saw the multitude of feelings running just behind his eyes.

In a moment he knew.

,,Fai told you about the cutting." It was a statement, almost exactly the same as Doumeki's earlier that day, and once again Kurogane was surprised. How could they both know that when he hadn't even said anything yet? Was he really that transparent?

,,How…?" Kurogane wasn't even sure how to end that question.

,,Just a feeling." Watanuki said with a shrug, settling himself on one of the tables. Kurogane crossed his arms and leaned against the wall.

Watanuki fixed his eyes out the window. It hadn't really been all that difficult to guess why Kurogane wanted to talk to him, after all the only thing they had in common was Fai, and there were only one thing about Fai that he knew of that could make Kurogane go out of his way to talk to a person he didn't really know.

,,Does Fai know?" Kurogane asked.

,,That I know? Yes he do. I talked to him about it a little while back, but I'm not surprised he didn't tell you. He only said that Doumeki knows right?"

,,Yeah." Kurogane said a bit miffed at Watanuki's insight. He had thought the boy was really just loudmouth and a bit of a spaz, but it seemed he was just proved wrong.

,,But why would he only tell me about Doumeki?" Kurogane asked, finally feeling he might get some answers to exactly who Fai was.

,,Ne Kurogane-san, you know Fai isn't stupid right?" Watanuki asked out of the blue.

,,What? Of course I know that! The guy's my tutor."

,,And you also know he would rather kill himself than hurt any of his friends right?" Watanuki continued, ignoring Kurogane.

,,Well, yes, I know that. Fai is selfless to a fault."

Watanuki nodded, his eyes seemingly faraway as his thoughts wandered places Kurogane couldn't even guess.

,,Yet Fai still cuts. He isn't stupid as I said nor is he in any way naïve, he knows very well exactly how, what he does affect his friends. It is a choice he is faced with every time he leads the knife down on himself. And he still chooses to do it."

Watanuki was quiet for a moment, contemplating what he had just said himself.

,,I think that is why he didn't tell you about me. With Doumeki it was unavoidable. He caught Fai in the act. However I figured it out by myself. I tried confronting him about it once, but nothing really came out of it except Fai feeling guilty, and since then I haven't brought it up. Knowing Fai, he probably pushed it to the back of his mind, refusing to even think about it."

Another short pause followed, and Watanuki wasn't even looking at Kurogane anymore.

,,However, I think it was a conscious decision for him to only tell you about Doumeki, another try to convince himself that our conversation had never really taken place, that it was all just a bad dream or something."

Kurogane leaned the back of his head against the wall, thinking about Watanuki's words. It was a bit ironic the way he had chosen to word his thoughts, that Fai wanted it to just be a bad dream, seeing as he knew it was nightmare's that made his boyfriend cut in the first place.

,,Do you know why he do it?" Kurogane asked, once again looking into the strange dual eyes of Watanukis.

,,... I don't know exactly no, however I do have a bit of an idea as to what it could be. But you know, don't you?" Watanuki answered, casting the question right back at him.

Once again Kurogane was surprised at Watanuki's ability to read him, he had thought he managed to conceal that in the question.

,,How did you-"

,,Your voice." He was interrupted. ,,It was to even, it didn't hold any curiosity at all, and you're not the type of person to ask a question you don't care about."

Silence settled once again as Kurogane looked away, slightly uncomfortable with being read that easily. Meanwhile Watanuki took the time to really look at him.

He saw everything he had seen the first time Fai had introduced them; he saw a tall, tanned, black haired young man with startlingly red eyes, not unlike their principal's. He saw the toned muscles, the raw yet defined strength, and the casual grace he possessed.

But now he looked deeper. He could see something new in those eyes now, something he hadn't quite been able to grasp the first time. He saw gentleness and care, he saw possessiveness and need, and he saw the beginning of love.

Many people didn't know how observant Watanuki really was, only seeing the sometimes gentle boy, that was easy to rile up, and would shout almost every time Doumeki was involved.

Only a small handful of people knew the real Watanuki.

As Kurogane suddenly looked right at him again, Watanuki once again turned his thoughts to the matter at hand. He could tell Kurogane still had questions he needed answered so he sat still, waiting for the other to gather his thoughts and ask.

Finally Kurogane opened his mouth.

,,How did you know?" He asked, apparently not caring for a deeper explanation.

Watanuki blinked.

,,How did I know? Know what? About the cutting?" He answered with his own question, not all that sure what Kurogane had meant.

Kurogane just nodded, looking at him with sharp eyes.

,,I saw how it began." Was Watanuki's reply as his eyes turned slightly distant while he remembered.

,,Did you know that Fai sometimes visit the archery club?" He asked, eyes looking out the window without really seeing anything. Kurogane nodded thinking back to his conversation with Doumeki not that long ago.

,,Yeah, Doumeki said that Fai comes there whenever he need to think." He said now sliding down to sit on the floor.

Watanuki nodded, still with that faraway look on his face, and started talking.

,,When we first met Fai, he was different than how he is now. I mean he still smiled at everyone and flirted and seemed genuinely without a care in the world, but often he would come to school looking as if he had seen a ghost. He was good at hiding it however so not many noticed it, but as his friends we knew. He looked like he was falling apart right in front of our eyes."

Watanuki sighed as he remembered that time, the worry and confusion they all felt for their friend.

,,He found his music however, and that seemed to help him. He always seemed happier on days he had played with Sakura and Syaoran. However it didn't last, after a while the effect of the music seemed to lessen, and we became worried once again. I'm not sure how much the others noticed about this, but I knew he had begun to experiment with a way to get out of what I now recognize as his depression. We didn't realize it back then, but that was what it was. And then…"

Kurogane looked up at the slight pause, taking in the sad face of Watanuki.

,,And then?" He prodded when the silence had lasted long enough. It seemed to pull Watanuki out of his thoughts, and he began talking again.

,,And then he started smoking. He didn't do it around us, and he always made sure he didn't smell of smoke when we were together, but he couldn't quite keep it completely hidden. I don't think Sakura or Syaoran noticed, but I'm sure Doumeki knew and I did as well. That was when Doumeki took Fai along to his club activities. And Fai loved it."

Here, a little smile grazed Watanuki's face, but it was accompanied by the look of pain in his eyes.

,,Fai told me that when he draws the bow, aim the arrow and shoot, his thoughts clear and he is able to focus. He once said that it is only when he has a bow in his hands that he knows he is doing the right thing. But that is not what is important, whats important is what it resulted in."

Watanuki locked eyes with Kurogane and took a deep breath.

_It was early morning, really early as in six o´clock in the morning, as Watanuki made his way across campus. Now why was he even there in the first place? Why because of Yuuko of course. _

_He cursed the enigmatic principal under his breath as he hastened his steps to get out of the cold, when a shadow caught the edge of his vision._

_He turned around, and his eyes widened at the sight of a pale Fai practically running in the direction of the archery club. Quickly Watanuki changed direction to follow his friend, a kind of sixth sense urging him forward._

_As he entered the club, he saw Fai already standing with a bow in his hands getting ready to shoot._

Watanuki's eyes once again strayed to the window, and now the pain and sadness was evident not only in his eyes, but in his face as well.

,,Did you know, Kurogane-san? When shooting with a bow and arrow, you need to wear the right equipment. You can get hurt otherwise. There is this… thing… you have to put on your arm, to make sure the string don't hurt you when you release the arrow. It is quite important since the string can actually cut you if you don't wear it."

Kurogane's eyes widened slightly, seeing where this was going.

,,He wasn't wearing the protection." He stated looking down at his hands.

,,No." Watanuki answered with a whisper. ,,No he didn't."

_Watanuki's eyes widened as he saw Fai drop the bow, while small red drops fell from his arm. Quickly he cleared the room to be by his friend's side. _

_Fai looked genuinely surprised to see him, but let him help with the cut the bow string had made in his arm. He joked a bit about it, trying to lighten the atmosphere, but Watanuki couldn't help, but feel worried. He had seen Fai's eyes as the string cut him. And he didn't like what he saw. _

Watanuki laughed a bit, a bitter little laugh.

,,The only good thing that came out it was that Fai stopped smoking."

,,Exactly for how long have Fai been cutting."

Watanuki locked eyes with him, sorrow deep in his orbs.

,,That incident in the club? It was more than half a year ago."

* * *

Kurogane walked, deep in thought, towards the school gates. He replayed his conversation with Watanuki in his head, trying to come to terms with everything.

Some of the mysteries surrounding Fai seemed to have lifted a bit, however new ones kept being added. He had a feeling he would never completely understand his enigmatic boyfriend; he could only hope Fai would one day trust him enough to tell him everything.

,,Kurorin!" Kurogane's head snapped up at the by now very familiar nickname, from the likewise familiar voice belonging to Fai.

There stood his boyfriend leaning against the gates, waving almost lazily with the usual smile on. However something was a bit different about his airhead of a boyfriend, there was a kind of steel in his eyes, a determination he had never seen before running beneath the blue depths.

Not to mention he wasn't jumping around like a nutcase, but standing perfectly normal even if his smile and tone of voice was the same as always.

,,Hyuu Kurokun, you're late today. I was afraid you would have already left." Fai took hold of Kuroganes arm, almost hugging it.

,,Hn." Kurogane said, ,,I had something to do is all."

,,Well are you busy tonight then?" Fai asked as he started to drag Kurogane with him away from the school.

,,Got a bit of homework, but nothing urgent. Why?"

,,Wanna come see me and my band tonight then? Were gonna play in a couple of hours."

Kurogane stopped and looked at Fai. He knew that Fai's band (Sound was it?) played usually once or twice a week at the club where Fai worked, but he had never actually been invited to come.

,,I'm still underage."

,,Silly Kuropon, so am I. don't worry I have already talked with my boss about it, and he don't mind as long as you don't buy any alcohol. So please?"

Really, Fai's puppy eyes should be illegal.

,,Sure." Kurogane conceded with a small sigh even as he wrapped his arm around his boyfriend's waist. He felt one of Fai's hands sneak around his neck, and the other one rose to entangle itself in his hair, as Fai leaned forward on the tip of his toes to kiss him.

It was the sweetest kiss they had ever shared, and Kurogane almost felt his heart tremble.

,,Thank you." It was just a whisper, but Kurogane still heard it, and he definitely saw that sweet, sweet genuine smile on Fai's lips. It made him lean down and kiss him aga-

,,Come on now Kuromin, let's get ready for tonight!" Fai said from ahead of him. Kurogane blinked, uncertain of exactly when Fai had left his arms, and then he growled.

,,Fai damnit! Get over here!"

But Fai just laughed, spun around and ran. ,,Catch me then, Kuropuppy. If you can that is."

And that was all Kurogane needed to send him running after his boyfriend, once again trying to catch him. He was surprised when after only a minute he caught his wayward boyfriend, and actually managed to hold onto him. Fai had a surprising ability to squirm out of his grasp.

,,Hyuu you caught me Kurowoof, good boy." He said while petting Kurogane on the head. He just barely refrained from growling at Fai, and settled instead for ignoring him, in favor of doing what he couldn't only minutes earlier.

As their lips met once again, he could feel Fai sigh against him and relax.

* * *

Kurogane leaned back in the chair he was occupying, eyes set on the stage where his boyfriend would soon be performing. He could hear the people around talking, many of them commenting on the band, but he didn't really listen to them.

He would soon enough find out for himself how good they were.

He had never actually heard Fai sing before. He hummed often enough, and once in a while he liked to torture Kurogane by singing decidedly of key to a song in the radio, but this would be the first time he heard him sing seriously, and Kurogane found himself looking forward to it just a bit.

But once again he soon found his thoughts returning to his conversation with Watanuki earlier.

_,,You mean to say he has nightmares every night? That's impossible!"_

Watanuki hadn't really believed him at first when he had told him why Fai cut. Kurogane tried to explain what Fai had told him, without saying too much. He knew there were some of the things his boyfriend had told him that he didn't want others to know.

Kurogane looked up as Sound finally entered the scene, eliciting an exited murmur in the crowd. He looked around at the many people present, a bit surprised at the size of the club. There were at least hundred, if not more, people and yet still room enough to move freely.

Up on the stage Fai had begun introducing the members, namely Sakura and Syaoran, so Kurogane shifted his gaze back at him, and realized with a start that the blue eyes were trained directly on him. Then the music began.

I walk a lonely road  
The only one that I have ever known  
Don't know where it goes  
But it's home to me and I walk alone

Fai's voice was enticing. It had a depth he never noticed when the blond was talking, and its richness surprised him. His eyes were trained on those blue orbs and he couldn't look away, entranced by the rare intensity in them.

But even as his eyes were locked on Fai, and his ears listening intently to the song spilling from those lips, Kurogane's thoughts returned to Watanuki's words.

I walk this empty street  
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams  
Where the city sleeps  
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone  
I walk alone

I walk alone  
I walk a...

_Kurogane-san I wasn't trying to say Fai lied to you, but no one has nightmares every night._

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,  
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line  
That divides me somewhere in my mind  
On the border line  
Of the edge and where I walk alone

_I think it is something else that even Fai hasn't noticed yet._

Read between the lines  
What's fucked up when everything's alright  
Check my vital signs  
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone  
I walk alone

I walk alone  
I walk a...

_Kurogane-san. I think Fai has panic attacks._

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah  
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

_He needs help._

* * *

**A/N: And that's it for now. Hopefully I'll actually get started on the main plot of the story in the next chapter… **


	11. Paranoia

**A/N: Sorry for the wait, here I present chapter 11!**

* * *

Kurogane made his way between the tables, trying to get to his boyfriend who had just finished his last song, and were now talking with Sakura and Syaoran a little to the side of the stage.

He had been captivated by the songs, by the text and the feelings, but mostly by Fai's rich voice and intense gaze. On stage he had a presence and an air about him that demanded attention. Once Fai set foot on the stage you couldn't look away, he didn't let you.

So it wasn't until Fai had stepped off the stage that Kurogane actually thought about the songs. They were all portraying some kind of pain, but it was the first one that really stuck with him.

Kurogane approached Fai from behind thinking he would, for once, catch his boyfriend off guard, and slid his arms around the slim waist. To his surprise though, Fai merely leaned back in his embrace and rested the back of his head against his chest without looking once.

,,Did you like the show Kuropin?" He asked, again without asserting who it was.

,,Wait, how did you know it was me?" Kurogane asked wondering how his boyfriend could feel so sure it was him. Granted he would like to think he was the only one who would hug Fai like this, but he had seen the look in the eyes of many of the people present in the club tonight, and he was sure some of them were bold enough to make a move.

,,Silly Kurorin, I'll never mistake you for anyone else." This time Fai turned around facing Kurogane. He had a smile on his face, gentle and sincere, and Kurogane couldn't help but lean down and kiss it lightly.

,,So?" Fai asked as Kurogane drew back again.

,,So what?" was the intelligent answer.

,,You forgetful puppy." Fai teased poking Kurogane on the nose and giggling at the growl he got in return. ,,So how did you find the show? Did you like the songs?" a slight uncertainty had entered Fai's voice, but it was so well concealed that Kurogane almost missed it. Almost.

Kurogane frowned remembering why he had approached Fai in the first place. You know, aside from the fact that he was his boyfriend and all.

,,What was up with that first song? The lyrics were kind of sad weren't they?"

Fai's smile turned wistful and a little sad.

,,I thought you might ask about that." He said slightly lowering his eyes so he weren't looking into Kurogane's sharp red ones.

,,I wrote that song shortly after Ashura… died." Kurogane's eyes softened and his hold on his boyfriend tightened slightly, but Fai still wouldn't look him in the eye.

,,Oi, idiot, look at me." He said putting a finger underneath Fai's chin to raise his face a bit. Fai's eyes connected with his again, and he saw the pain and loss in them that Fai had tried to hide. It hurt seeing his boyfriend like that, hurting and still trying to hide it, but Kurogane didn't let that show on his face.

Fai had enough to deal with without that guilt.

,,By the way," Kurogane said changing the topic since he could feel Fai didn't want to talk about it. ,,I'm surprised by the size of this place. I have been here a few times in the daytime, but I never noticed it was this big."

Fai giggled both relieved by the change of topic and amused by Kurogane's statement.

,,That's because it isn't this big in the daytime. Look over there, where the tables give way to the dance floor. At the wall. Can you see it?"

And indeed Kurogane noticed it now. A large screen was situated at the wall, ready to be pulled out and placed to separate the dance floor from the rest of the place, cutting off quite a bit of space.

,,But why do you do that? I mean you could use the extra space for more customers' right?"

,,Because the boss doesn't have enough manpower. With the additional tables, more waiters would be needed, and the boss simply doesn't have enough. Although when there's a special event we take the screen down, get some musicians to play and let people dance." Fai explained.

Then he got that look in his eyes, the look that told you he had just gotten an idea, and you had no way of getting out of it.

,,No." Kurogane stated, sure he wasn't gonna like what was going through his boyfriends head at the moment.

Fai just raised an eyebrow, an amused smile tugging at his lips.

,,I haven't said anything." _Yet._

,,Whatever it is; no."

Fai looked down and away and Kurogane became alarmed; did it really matter so much to him?

,,…Fine what is it? I'll at least hear you ou-"

,,Great! Come on then Kurowoof, I love this song!" Fai exclaimed a big smile on his face as he dragged his boyfriend out on the dance floor, ignoring his protesting the entire way.

,,Fai damnit! I said I would hear you out, not go along with it! there is no way I'm gonna dance!" Kurogane shouted over the sound of music coming out of the blasters that were much, much louder on the dance floor.

Fai looked at him for a moment, scanning his face, and Kurogane made sure to keep a stern face up, even as his eyes wanted to soften at Fais gaze.

Fai sighed inaudibly and turned away.

,,Fine, I guess I'll just have to dance all by my lonesome then." He said and stepped out in the middle of the floor, somehow finding enough space to move freely among the many bodies around him.

Kurogane stared after his boyfriend, surprised both about the fact that he gave up that quickly and that he was gonna dance without him.

Then his stare became a rather heated gaze as his eyes followed the smooth movements of his boyfriend. If Fai was graceful just standing and walking, it had nothing on how he looked dancing. His body moved perfectly to the beat of the music, his hips swaying just right and his eyes closed as he let the sounds around him wash over him.

And then, Kurogane started glaring. He _knew _some of Fais fans were bold enough to approach him, and now his boyfriend was dancing with some unknown guy who was definitely about to feel him up.

Kurogane growled.

Before he knew it he was by his boyfriends' side, the nameless guy thrown somewhere far away, and Fai's attention on him entirely.

Kurogane hadn't really danced before; he never found it interesting to make a fool of himself in front of others, and dancing had never been his forte. Well not this kind of dancing anyway. Tomoyo had often forced him to dance with her, but that was different. That was classical dance, not this.

But despite sucking at dancing, despite not wanting to make a fool of himself, and despite most of all wanting to take Fai somewhere no other eyes could reach him, he found himself swaying to the music right alongside his boyfriend.

And he found he didn't make a fool of himself. It wasn't that he was suddenly good at dancing; it was just that Fai drew him in. It felt natural, every movement he made felt right as he just responded to whatever Fai was doing, and now they were dancing close. So very close, but still so very freely.

It was intoxicating.

It was only when the nth song ended, and they were to out of breath to continue, that they noticed. Everyone else on the floor had stopped dancing to watch them, creating a circle a couple meters in width around them.

As they once again became aware of their surroundings they heard the whistles and catcalls, and the clapping from the less exuberant of their onlookers.

Fai blushed, but smiled nonetheless as he leaned against his boyfriend, trying to catch his breath.

,,Hyuu, you made Kurorin blush." Fai sang, poking Kurogane's cheek.

,,Che." He snorted moving away the offending hand, ,,I'm not blushing, it's just from dancing idiot."

,,Whatever you say Kuropup."

,,I'm not a damn dog!" Kurogane growled, but didn't have the energy to start chasing his boyfriend. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact, that they were surrounded by people that Fai was doubtlessly able to navigate without difficulty, but would only hinder Kurogane. Nope, that wasn't the reason at all.

It was only later, when Kurogane was lying in his bed, Fai already asleep beside him, that he realized another thing: Fai had never given up on getting him to dance; he had just used a different approach than usual.

Kurogane fell asleep mumbling about damn, manipulative boyfriends.

The next day, somehow the whole school had heard about it. Since none of the student were actually old enough to get inside the club, Kurogane wondered about how the hell they could know, and why it was even such a big deal.

Until Fai explained it of course.

Apparently, Sound had become a bit of a local celebrity, and their fans had even made a website about them. And since _a lot _of the people in the club yesterday were fans, their dancing had made it to the website, complete with pictures and all.

And now the whole school knew.

And as is expected Ryuoh made a scene about them being in a club. And as usual Yuuko didn't give a damn, and just had fun making up punishments for one of her favorite toys.

Fai just laughed it all off, though he wasn't used to this kind of attention. Before the band got its name, they were popular enough, but no one outside of those who came in the club knew about them. After he had announced their name, somehow they had even gotten a website (granted it was fan made and filled with little pink hearts, but that was beside the point) and everyone seemed to know about them.

It was almost kind of strange.

But Fai just shrugged it off. He, maybe more than anyone, knew how much a name meant. A name wasn't just a tool to distinguish one thing from another; a name granted life to the bearer.

He had experienced that himself.

So Fai just enjoyed the hurried bustle of the school day, reveling in the chaos he had created by a simple dance and, of course, took the opportunity to tease his favorite puppy.

* * *

By the end of the school day, Kurogane was just a little bit annoyed with his enigmatic boyfriend, but as usual all it took was one puppy eyed look from the blonde, and Kurogane had already forgiven him. That didn't mean he had to tell him though.

Kurogane just kept grumbling even as he didn't fight Fai of as he took his hand, making his boyfriend smile at him. Though Kurogane didn't say anything, Fai already knew he was forgiven; it was not like Kurogane to hold a grudge over something so small.

They got to the parking lot of the school and Fai stopped him with a tug on his arm. He leaned up and gently kissed his boyfriend before leaning back down again, looking him in the eye.

"I'm gonna go back to my own place today, I need to catch up on my homework." He said as Kurogane looked questioningly at him.

"Why can't you do it at my place?" Kurogane asked not liking the idea of letting the blonde out of his sight. He still hadn't come up with a way to keep him from cutting unless he was there to stop him, so he preferred to keep Fai within his reach at most times.

But then again, he didn't want to become one of those controlling boyfriends either, and he knew both him and Fai sometimes needed some time for themselves.

"Silly Kuropu, if I'm with you I'm not gonna be doing any homework." Fai teased, poking him in the nose.

It was true, however. Kurogane hadn't actually ever seen his boyfriend do homework. Whenever they were together Fai was either tutoring him, teasing him, running from him or cooking. Or they were snuggling. Not that Kurogane would ever as much as say that word. Just thinking about it threatened to destroy his bad boy image.

On the other hand, Fai had already pretty much destroyed that image.

Kurogane offered to drive him home, since they had come in his car, but Fai declined saying he would rather walk, enjoy the nature a bit.

Kurogane scoffed at that; there wasn't much nature on the way to Fai's apartment, unless he took the longer route and went through the park.

After a heartfelt goodbye (or rather, after Fai was done trying to humiliate him in front of the entire school) Kurogane got in his car and Fai started on his way home.

Fai enjoyed the slight breeze as it caressed his face, almost feeling like he hadn't felt it in forever. He loved being outside, loved feeling the cold bite of the wind in winter, the burning heat of the sun in summer.

It didn't matter where he were, at the side of a road looking at greasy gray snow, or at the park looking at the blooming flowers; as long as he was outside he was happy.

Being inside for too long always made him feel trapped, especially if he were alone. It wasn't so bad if someone was there with him, but alone he felt trapped inside the four walls. He felt like a child again.

Fai shook the depressing thoughts off, determined to enjoy his walk. He knew Kurogane was worried about him cutting, and he wanted to show that he could be trusted for at least a short time alone.

It all depended however; if he had another nightmare, he might just be pushed off the edge.

Shivers ran down his spine and Fai froze. No. it couldn't be. Not now. He had gotten over that months ago! But apparently he hadn't. He could feel it, the same feeling that had haunted him the first month after Ashura's death, and which had since come again sporadically; the feeling of being watched.

The shrinks all said it was paranoia, that it was natural for him to feel watched like that after what had happened to Ashura. They said it would go away with time, but that he might still experience it occasionally all throughout his life.

Because the trauma of Ashura's death would never really leave him, and in moments he felt weak or exposed, insecurities and fears time had supposedly healed, could come back.

Fai took a deep breath, almost physically having to stop himself from glancing around like a paranoid freak. He tried to calm down, convince himself it wasn't real. It didn't work.

Walking faster, just barely refraining from starting to run, Fai made his way home as quickly as he could. He could still feel eyes at his back, but even when he gave in to his fears and looked around, he couldn't find anything out of place.

This was bad. The feeling of being watched broke lose a string of memories he would rather not remember; memories of Ashura's murder, and the days after. It hadn't exactly been a good time for him.

As he finally got home, he made sure to lock his door thoroughly before he made his way to the stereo, and turned the music on and up. He could barely hear himself think anymore.

He still felt watched though so he drew the covers over the window, blocking out the last of the sun. The feeling subsided a little, but it was still there. The music wasn't enough, the darkness wasn't enough, maybe-

No! He couldn't. He had promised to stop, or at least try. He couldn't give in already, just because of an old paranoia. He would be ashamed of himself if he did it now.

Instead he tried doing what he had told Kurogane he would do; he tried studying. It had been one of the things that calmed him when he didn't dare go to sleep, maybe it would help now. If he could just get his mind of things, maybe this paranoia would go away.

It didn't work. An hour later he was shaking badly, only finished with a minimum of his homework and unable to concentrate.

Finally snapping, he went to the bathroom without thinking and reached for the blade with a shaking, desperate hand. Pausing when his hand didn't come in contact with the comforting feel of steel, he suddenly remembered: Kurogane had removed the blade.

Kurogane! Suddenly Fai remembered his boyfriend again, and his words returned to him: Call me. Kurogane had said to call him if he had the urge to cut, told him to rely on him. Maybe Kurogane could help. Fai always felt safe with him maybe his presence would drive the paranoia away.

Hesitating for only another second, Fai reached for the phone.

* * *

Kurogane broke just about every speed limit on his way to Fai. His boyfriend had tried to keep his voice even as he spoke, but the mere fact that he failed miserably proved just how upset he was. Kurogane was afraid that if he didn't make it there ASAP, Fai would just pick up a kitchen knife and damn all consequences to hell.

Rushing up the stairs after parking the car, a little part of Kurogane (the still sane one) wondered idly if he had remembered to lock the car. Shaking the thought off he realized he was at the right floor and quickly went to the door.

Trying the handle, Kurogane growled when he found the door locked, and was just about to pound the door down. He had just raised his fist to do just that when he remembered how frightened Fai had sounded. Maybe being aggressive wasn't the right approach right now.

Taking a deep breath to calm down a bit, Kurogane knocked on the door, only slightly louder than a normal person would.

Seconds ticked by without anything happening, and Kurogane was just about to break the door down anyway, when he heard a shuffle on the other side.

The door opened, first just a bit, but when Fai saw who it was the door was flung completely open. Exactly one tenth of a second later, Kurogane was holding a shaking Fai in his arms relieved there hadn't been any blood.

Gently moving Fai a bit backwards, Kurogane reached behind him to close the door, before leading his boyfriend to the couch. For now he would let Fai cling to him, offer him the comfort he needed, after that he would get some answers.

Kurogane looked around the room, just to make sure nothing had actually happened. He noted the covered windows and the homework spread out on the table. Strangely enough was it only then he noticed the loud music, blasting out of the speakers.

He held Fai close and decided to ignore the music for now. He felt like Fai would break if he let go now, and he knew how much Fai hated silence, so he would sacrifice the bit of his hearing he was sure he was gonna lose from this, for his boyfriends sanity.

Or what was left of it.

Kurogane felt Fai stop trembling and assumed his boyfriend had calmed down a little. Loosening is hold a bit he felt Fai shift against him, and let him lay down with his head on his lap. Kurogane wondered for a moment why Fai didn't stretch his legs out on the couch now that he was lying anyway, and opened his mouth to ask just that.

Then he noticed it; Fai had fallen asleep.

Kurogane could only look incredulously at him for a moment before shaking his head and getting him into a more comfortable position. Only one thought was circulating in his mind:

_How the hell did he fall asleep with the music this loud?_

* * *

**A/N: and that's it for now. Again sorry for the wait for this chapter, but now the real plot is finally showing! Or rather, I just remembered that I have actually started a bit on the real plot in an earlier chapter, so sorry **neko-chan cat eyedgirl meong** you were right^^ I have given a hint of the plot already. **

**Btw: the song Fai sang in the last chapter was boulevard of broken dreams by Green day. As usual we'll just pretend Fai wrote it^^**


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